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I Am a Woman, But I Love Women
墨書 Inktalez
I am in a marriage of convenience with Xu Ye.
In just ten days, we are set to hold our wedding.
As I was handwriting the invitations, my phone rang. It was a call informing me that he had been in a car accident due to speeding and was in critical condition at the hospital, urging me to come quickly.
After asking for the address, I couldn’t help but laugh.
He had crashed his car in Shanghai, a city a hundred thousand miles away from me.
Shanghai is the city where his white moonlight resides, and I understood why he would speed.
---
After hanging up, I sat quietly, listening to the bustling traffic outside gradually fade into the stillness of the night.
His departure took away my hopes for the future.
We are in a marriage of convenience, devoid of love.
His white moonlight cannot marry him, and the person I love is not by my side either.
To look out for each other, we agreed to hold on to our feelings and walk through life together.
Yet, just before the wedding, he chose to leave me.
I have no one to love and no lover.
I approached the balcony and looked down; the darkness below stretched out from the twenty-fourth floor. At that moment, there was no sadness, no fear—only a profound sense of calm.
As I prepared to step onto the railing with one foot, my phone rang. I initially wanted to ignore it, but the incessant ringing was too irritating to dismiss.
The number appeared to be a virtual one, and I assumed it was a telemarketer. However, when I answered, a woman's voice came through, "Jiang Qing?"
Her gentle voice was familiar yet distant.
"Who are you?"
"Jiang Qing, I once made a wish to the heavens that if one day you were unhappy and filled with despair, I hoped that fate would allow you to return to the past and start anew."
"Who are you? Who are you really?"
The call ended abruptly, leaving my heart aching and breathless. I searched my mind for that voice; it felt so familiar, as if I had heard it somewhere before...
In the next moment, everything went dark.
---
When I opened my eyes again, I found myself in a classroom.
The noise around me was overwhelming.
Suddenly, someone tapped my shoulder. "Jiang Qing, what are you daydreaming about? Let's go!"
I was still in a daze.
"Are you still half-asleep? Come on, let's go to the bathroom!"
I couldn't tell if this was a dream or reality. Had I... crossed over?
The door to the women's restroom was locked from the inside, and we had to knock and announce our names to get in.
When the door opened, I saw about five or six girls standing in a circle, hands on their hips. In the center of the circle knelt a girl with her head bowed. When she heard us enter, she lifted her head and our eyes met.
In that instant, my heart inexplicably tightened.
She was truly beautiful, looking so obedient yet with red-rimmed eyes.
I couldn't remember who they were, not even who she was.
There were many people in the restroom, but all I could see was her.
I wasn't sure what had happened here before; all I wanted was for her to get up and leave this place with me.
"Jiang Qing, what are you doing?" Everyone looked at me in confusion.
"Help her up."
"Are you crazy, or... are you still not awake?"
The girl who had patted my shoulder led me out of the restroom. She looked me up and down curiously for a moment, then touched my forehead. "No fever, huh? What's wrong with you?"
"Who is she, and why is she kneeling on the ground?"
Then I finally understood the rumors about her: she had come from a nearby village, her grades were poor, but she was good-looking. The most important thing, and what set her apart from others, was that she was a girl who liked girls.
Her story had been the talk of the town back in the countryside. Her girlfriend couldn't bear the gossip and broke up with her.
In a big city, such matters might be commonplace, but in a rural area, they became fodder for daily gossip.
So they moved here as a family, yet someone at school leaked the news about her liking girls. This became a spicy topic in her classmates' dull lives, making her a prime target for bullying.
Her name was Xu Shan, with "Shan" meaning "melancholy."
This was what she told me herself.
Perhaps it was because I had reached out to help her that day in the restroom, or maybe it was because I was different from other students—I never participated in violence; I just watched.
On my way home one day, I saw her squatting in a corner. When she heard my footsteps, she looked up and smiled. "Jiang Qing, I'm Xu Shan, with 'Shan' meaning 'melancholy.'"
Before I could respond, she walked away, leaving behind uncleaned footprints on the back of her skirt.
I wanted to ask her why she told me that, but I lacked the courage.
After Xu Shan left, I quickly looked around to see if anyone else had noticed our conversation, then hurried home, my heart racing like a drum.
Do I like girls? It doesn't seem quite right to say that.
It sounds almost like a joke, but I truly felt a sense of love at first sight for Xu Shan.
After that, I often saw her—in the restroom, in the school woods, in the gym, and in the alley around the corner of the school.
There was always a group of people gathered around her, both boys and girls, staring at her as if she were some kind of monster.
"I heard you like girls?"
"What do girls do together in bed?"
"You've kissed a girl, right? What does it feel like? Tell us!"
...
Laughter and jeers filled the air, insults hurled at her from all directions. There was even a girl who poured hot water from a thermos over her head; steam rose from her hair, yet she remained silent, standing there coldly.
This defiance only fueled the aggressors' violence further.
I admit it—I lack courage; I'm a coward.
I am also a girl, and I fear that if I help her, people will think I am like her, and I too will become a target of violence.
So I can only watch coldly, unable to show even a hint of concern.
They pushed her to the ground, kicking her repeatedly and yanking her hair. Others took out their phones to take pictures, spewing vulgar words.
Once they grew tired of laughing and kicking, they scattered away in a group.
My arm was supported by other girls as we walked. They debated whether to go to the movies or karaoke, but I had no interest in participating. I pretended to look back at her, slumped on the ground under the streetlight, and even as we walked further away, she never lifted her head.
These past few days, everyone has been acting strangely, whispering about something in secret.
When I asked, I was told that "the fewer people who know, the better."
During class, I suddenly felt a rush and realized my period had started, so I reported to the teacher that I needed to go to the restroom.
As soon as I entered the restroom, I saw a girl with disheveled hair washing her face, her school uniform damp.
It was Xu Shan.
Since it was during class time, there were only the two of us in the restroom.
Then I heard her quietly sobbing. I didn’t dare reach out to comfort her; I could only stand behind her and watch.
As she turned away, I looked at her pale face, and my heart felt as if it were being tightly gripped by something painful. After a long pause, I finally spoke to her.
"Are you... okay?"
She glanced at me briefly, as if she hadn't heard my words at all. She brushed off her clothes and then turned to the mirror, raising her arm to gather her scattered hair.
There was no hair tie on her arm.
I took the red hair tie from my own hair and handed it to her.
She accepted it, secured her hair, and limped toward the door, preparing to leave. But then she paused, not turning back.
"Thank you," she said.
I was terrified; I feared that she hated me.
But more than that, I feared becoming like her.
I lowered my head, no longer daring to look at her. "I'm sorry, I can't help it. You know that all I can do is not get involved..."
She smiled slightly but said nothing as she pushed the door open and left.
After she was gone, watching her frail figure disappear, I wasn't sure if I liked girls, but I was certain that I liked her.
When school ended, I stayed late to help clean up, and by the time I stepped outside, the sky had already darkened.
To get home faster, I took a shortcut that I usually avoided.
Before long, I faintly heard the sounds of laughter and crying.
Following the sounds, I saw those familiar figures and her, beaten and bruised.
They kicked her repeatedly, laughing and cursing, and then I heard someone in the crowd say, "Aren't you into girls? You’ve never felt what it’s like with a man, have you? Today, I'll let you experience it and see whether men are better than women!"
As he spoke, a boy took off his school uniform and laid it on the ground, dragging Xu Shan to lie on it.
Xu Shan, who usually appeared cold and aloof, was now desperately pleading and struggling. This only fueled their excitement, making them lose their sanity even more.
Her hands and feet were firmly held down by others as the boy began to take off his pants while encouraging the others to strip Xu Shan of hers.
"Having fun with women? How lewd! Today, I'll let my friends see what it's like!"
The others understood immediately and pulled down her pants, forcing her legs apart until only her underwear remained.
Xu Shan struggled and screamed incessantly, desperately saying, "Please, please... don’t..."
Even though she fought fiercely, it was of no use; these people had gone wild like beasts.
I hid in the shadows, watching everything unfold. I felt powerless but tried every way I could to stop this from happening.
As if sensing my presence, Xu Shan suddenly turned her head and spotted me hiding in the corner. Her face was streaked with tears; after countless instances of bullying, her eyes were dull, and blood trickled from the corner of her mouth.
In the final second before the violence erupted, I couldn't hold back any longer. I blasted a siren sound from my phone and ran out shouting, "Run, run! Someone's called the police!"
They looked at me in terror and scattered like birds.
Once they were all gone, I finally felt I could breathe again.
I hurried over to her and took off my shirt to cover her.
She seemed calmer than I was, just sitting there in a daze with vacant eyes. One by one, she put her clothes back on, hesitating for a moment before looking at me.
"Thank you."
I should have been able to stop it sooner, to spare her from harm, but I was afraid.
I shook my head and sat down beside her.
She leaned against my shoulder. I wanted to lift my hand and pat her shoulder, but ultimately withdrew it.
"Let's go home."
That night, I had a dream.
In the dream, she wore my shirt, sitting quietly on the ground with her fair legs exposed. I walked over, leaned down, and kissed her lips—soft and sweet...
This was my first time having such a dream, or more accurately, my first time dreaming about being so intimate with a girl.
The aftermath was that when I woke up before dawn, I tossed and turned, my mind filled with affectionate touches and the sweet warmth of her breath brushing against my cheek.
I thought she would take a day off, but seeing her at school the next day surprised me.
Her indifferent demeanor was as if nothing had ever happened.
The moment I saw her, memories of that dream flooded back, and my face involuntarily turned red.
Perhaps it was a lingering sense of protectiveness that had been suppressed for so long; I began to appear around her intentionally and unintentionally.
I thought my little actions were seamless, but someone still caught on.
That day, I was cornered by Li Hao on the school rooftop. He asked me, "Did that little vixen Xu Shan seduce you?"
"No."
"That day... no one called the police at all."
I didn’t respond.
"Jiang Qing, do you even know what you're doing?" Li Hao pressed me against the wall step by step.
He grabbed my chin, staring intently at me, and said with a teasing tone, "Jiang Qing, you don't actually like Xu Shan, do you?"
"I don't like girls," I replied fiercely.
"Hahahahaha, did you hear that? Bring her over!" Li Hao suddenly shouted loudly.
I was confused and looked around, only to find that the same group of boys and girls were pushing Xu Shan towards me.
They shoved her right next to me.
"Jiang Qing, I've been watching this little bitch for a long time. She always sneaks glances at you. This time, I brought her here for you to deal with!" With that, he carelessly pushed Xu Shan, causing her to stumble and fall to the ground.
I gritted my teeth, controlling the urge to help her up.
She always looked at me, always watched me.
Little did she know, I was watching her too.
We weren't clever enough to hide our emotions without leaving any traces.
I knew Li Hao was testing me. He didn't spell it out because he still had some reservations about me. I vaguely remembered that a long time ago, during a composition sharing session, I had shared an essay titled "My Uncle is a Policeman."
In truth, I didn't have a policeman uncle; it was just a fabricated topic to cover my pitiful pride.
"Jiang Qing, you can't let someone like her off the hook. She'll only get worse. This time it's your turn; deal with her like this."
Someone slapped her across the face.
She furrowed her brows in pain.
"Jiang Qing, it's your turn. Show her with your actions that you don't like her."
Xu Shan looked up at me, so sincere.
I hesitated to make a move.
But they were already showing clear signs of impatience, looking at me with suspicion.
I was terrified.
Then I saw Xu Shan smile at me.
I leaned down and slapped her hard across the face. It was swift and brutal, and soon blood trickled from the corner of her mouth.
Once the first strike was made, things became easier.
Again and again...
I closed my eyes, afraid that tears would spill out, but I could hear their boisterous laughter. "A slut is just a slut. They hit you, and you still stare..."
They couldn't hold back any longer and joined in.
Until the class bell rang, the farce came to an end.
Neither of us left.
She curled up, motionless, as if she were dead.
I didn't know where all the blood came from; it was everywhere on the ground.
If I had a knife in my hand right now, I think I would kill myself.
You see, I'm just a coward, timid and weak.
I helped her up, still wanting to apologize, but she suddenly covered my mouth with her hand. It was the closest we had ever been.
I could smell the scent in her palm, a mixture of blood and dirt.
She turned to leave, but she could barely stand.
If I hadn't supported her, she would have fallen directly onto the cold concrete floor.
That day, neither of us went back to class.
I took her home in silence, which made me even sadder.
"You know," I said softly, "I had no choice; I'm a jerk."
"I will pay the price for this."
"For you, I am willing."
It took a long time, really a long time, before she finally moved.
"Jiang Qing."
"I'm here."
"I'm a monster."
"You are not."
"But I like girls."
I stopped in my tracks and looked at her; she was wearing the red hair tie I had given her in the restroom that day.
"I do too."
The next day was the weekend, and I had made plans with Xu Shan to go to Qian County.
It was our first time to set aside all the complexities and freely enjoy our time together, just the two of us.
On the bus, she quietly leaned on my shoulder, our fingers intertwined.
I looked at her swollen face, and my eyes instantly filled with tears.
Outside of school, she was like a fairy from another world—beautiful and pure.
Hand in hand, we walked along the flowing Qian River. At a corner, I spotted Li Hao; he saw me too and smiled. That smile was all too familiar.
I didn't tell Xu Shan about seeing Li Hao.
Some things are bound to be faced, and they must be resolved eventually.
It was just evening by the Qian River, where everyone was releasing Kongming Lanterns.
Xu Shan and I planned to release one after dinner. She went to the restroom midway, and when she returned, I sensed something was off. Her eyes were red, clearly indicating she had been crying. I asked her what was wrong, but she just shook her head and said nothing.
Holding onto a corner of the Kongming Lantern, the shopkeeper said that if we made a wish while facing it, the heavens would hear us.
Xu Shan closed her eyes to make her wish.
My wish was simple; I just hoped that the girl in front of me could find happiness.
I asked her what she wished for.
She replied, "Jiang Qing, I hope you will never know my wish."
Then I suddenly woke up.
I found myself lying on the balcony, a cold breeze sending shivers down my spine.
"Xu Shan, Xu Shan..."
I kept murmuring his name, then picked up my phone to discover that I had only slept for an hour.
But what was that phone call about?
Had I really traveled through time, or were those past events merely memories?
I opened my recent calls and searched for a long time, only to find that the latest entry was from the hospital.
I couldn't remember anything.
Everything felt like a fleeting dream.
I booked the earliest flight to Shanghai to handle Xu Ye's affairs.
On the plane, I reminisced about my past with Xu Ye.
Yet, I couldn't recall much.
Only fragments remained: Xu Ye was my psychologist, a gentle man, and I felt comfortable being with him.
I actually have a strong resistance to seeing a psychologist, yet for some reason, I don't feel repelled by him.
He has a habit of frequently flying to Shanghai, always in a hurry.
I jokingly asked him why he doesn't just move to Shanghai.
He said someone wants him to stay here, and I guessed there must be someone very important to him in Shanghai.
Whenever he mentions this place, he smiles indulgently.
I don't really have any psychological issues; I'm just very forgetful.
Xu Ye says I have Amnesia.
Amnesia is a condition caused by trauma to the brain, which can be divided into Psychogenic Amnesia and Organic Amnesia.
Psychogenic Amnesia is often caused by psychological factors, while Organic Amnesia results from injury or disease affecting the brain, leading to memory loss.
It's as if I've won the lottery; my Amnesia has both factors involved.
In my mind, all my memories are fragmented.
Xu Ye says it’s alright; he will help me piece together all my memories.
"Why are you so good to me?" I have asked Xu Ye more than once.
He didn’t answer anything, just affectionately stroked my hair.
Honestly, if it were someone else, they might fall for Xu Ye—handsome and gentle.
But I won’t.
“Don’t be so nice to me. You know I like girls.”
Not only do I have Amnesia, but my orientation is also a problem.
I can’t even remember when I discovered that I liked girls. Many boys pursued me, but I couldn’t accept any of them. Deep down, there has always been someone occupying my heart. I can’t recall who she is, but I know she’s a girl.
“It’s strange, isn’t it?” I pretended to be indifferent as I spoke to Xu Ye.
But he said, “Jiang Qing, there’s nothing wrong with liking the same sex. There’s only one orientation in this world—where your heart leads you. All love is hard-won; when you encounter it, you should cherish it.”
Later, Xu Ye said, “Jiang Qing, let me take care of you.”
“Take care of me? In what way?”
“Let’s get married.”
I was puzzled as to why he wanted to marry me knowing that I liked girls. Doesn’t he still have someone in his heart?
“Why me? Don’t you have someone you like? And I...”
"Because I want to take care of you, I have someone I like, but we cannot be together. Let's hold onto our feelings and walk through life hand in hand."
I am not the type to pry into details, so I accepted his proposal.
But before our wedding could take place, he was gone, on his way to Shanghai.
When I arrived at the hospital, the doctor shook his head with regret upon seeing me.
I looked at his face; he left so peacefully.
The doctor asked who would sign the death certificate.
"Who else is there besides me?"
Then I saw a woman in a black trench coat standing at the entrance of the morgue, her hair flowing down. I couldn't see her clearly.
As I stepped outside and turned to the side, my whole body trembled.
That woman said, "Jiang Qing, long time no see."
I searched through my fragmented memories, "Xu Shan, the one with a lack of interest."
I am Xu Shan, the one with a lack of interest.
It seems that only this word can truly express how beautiful I find my name.
Until I met her and her name in class.
Jiang Qing. Tuning the Jade Zither by the River, a single string resonates with a pure heart.
She is truly beautiful; I feel there are no words in the world that can describe the stunning impression she left on me the first time I saw her.
Her academic performance is excellent, and the teacher often praises her, saying, "With knowledge hidden like a valley, and poetry in her heart, she naturally exudes grace."
Jiang Qing.
Jiang Qing.
I can't help but smile whenever I think of her name.
However, despite being classmates for a long time, we have never really gotten close.
Not just me; it seems she maintains a distance from everyone, almost as if she lives by her own rules.
My grades are average, and I often muster the courage to find various excuses to ask her questions. Each time, she patiently explains things to me, but I can hardly absorb anything. Her gentle voice and the faint fragrance that surrounds her always leave me lost in her presence.
Many boys like her and slip love letters into her hands, but she ignores them all.
And why wouldn't she? How could these ordinary folks from our village ever be worthy of her?
Through my relentless efforts, Jiang Qing finally began to speak to me on her own.
That day, when the math test results were released, I didn’t do well. Jiang Qing shook her head and said, “After all this time discussing the problems, your math scores are still so steady.”
I scratched my head, revealing an awkward smile.
She smiled back, lightly tapped my head with her pen, and said, “You blockhead.”
After that, I became even bolder, surrounding her every day. Even her deskmate remarked, “Xu Shan, should I tell the teacher to switch seats so you have more space?”
“Sure!” I couldn’t have wished for anything more.
I always thought my infatuation with Jiang Qing stemmed from her beauty, her grace, and her excellence.
Until the summer camp, when I devised a little scheme to have the class monitor arrange for me and Jiang Qing to share a room.
That night, a sudden thunderstorm struck. I was terrified and curled up under the covers, trembling.
“Xu Shan, are you scared? Come here,” she said.
In an instant, I dove into Jiang Qing’s bed, resting my legs on hers and wrapping my arms tightly around her waist.
She didn’t reject my actions, but I panicked because the thunder had faded away; my heart raced as if it would leap out of my throat.
Thump thump thump...
Jiang Qing fell asleep in no time.
Accompanied by her gentle breathing, I opened my eyes to look at her. Her eyelashes were so long, her skin so fair, and her lips so thin.
I couldn't help but swallow.
I... had developed feelings for her.
I liked Jiang Qing.
This thought startled me for no reason.
Since ancient times, men and women have loved each other; how could a girl like another girl?
After the summer camp, I fell ill and took a few days off.
I never expected Jiang Qing would come to see me.
Her hand touched my forehead, making my temperature rise even higher.
She said, "Xu Shan, your forehead is so hot."
She said, "Xu Shan, you need to take good care of yourself."
She said, "Xu Shan, I really miss you when you're not around."
She said, "Xu Shan, I really miss you."
After she left, I turned to Xu Ye and said, "Brother, I've realized something. I think I'm sick."
Xu Ye was sitting on the edge of my bed, peeling an orange while waiting for me to continue.
Seeing that he remained silent, I went on, "Brother, I need to tell you something, but I'm afraid you'll think I'm crazy."
"That depends on what you have to say. It's not easy for Xu Ye's sister to be considered crazy," he replied.
I wasn't sure how to start, especially with Xu Ye. He was my only family; he spoiled me, and I loved him dearly. I was afraid of hurting him.
Noticing my silence, he tilted his head and asked, "Is it about that girl from earlier?"
"Yeah," I nodded.
"Then let me take a guess... Hmm..." Xu Ye wore a thoughtful expression.
After a long pause, I lowered my head and whispered, "I like that girl."
I knew he could hear me.
I didn't dare to look up at him.
But I heard him sigh.
Tears streamed down my face uncontrollably.
"Why are you crying?" Xu Ye's voice still sounded so gentle.
"Because I like girls, because I like girls!" I shouted, "I like girls!"
Xu Ye asked me again, "But what's wrong with liking girls?"
What's wrong with it?
I stared at Xu Ye in shock, my eyes wide open.
He pulled me into his embrace and said, "What's wrong with liking someone? Love has nothing to do with gender; because of love, one can face any hardship."
"Xu Shan, you don't need to feel ashamed of this."
In that moment, I suddenly realized how great Xu Ye truly was!
After I recovered from my illness, I became even more unabashedly clingy towards Jiang Qing.
Perhaps my behavior was too obvious; my feelings were not well concealed.
Gradually, rumors began to spread. In our isolated town, gossip cut like a knife.
The gazes of those around us gradually changed; almost everyone passing by would whisper and point at us.
I didn't want to cause trouble for Jiang Qing, so I intentionally distanced myself from her.
At first, she didn't notice, but when she did, she stopped me on the way home from school and asked what I was afraid of.
"Jiang Qing, can't you hear what they're saying?"
"I know," she replied calmly.
"So we need to keep our distance!"
"Why?" She remained composed.
"Because... because I don't want them to comment on you like that," I lowered my head, unable to look at her.
"You silly, why care about what others think? I don't mind," she smiled.
Then she affectionately ruffled my hair like Xu Ye would.
But suddenly, I felt like I had lost my mind; I couldn't control myself and rose onto my toes to gently kiss Jiang Qing's lips, just a light peck.
Afterward, we both froze.
Without thinking, I knew I must have turned as red as a boiled crab.
In the next moment, before Jiang Qing could say anything, I fled the place as if escaping.
That night, lying in bed and tossing and turning, I couldn't fall asleep. I even considered transferring schools.
But more than anything, I kept thinking about that kiss—no, it couldn’t even be called a kiss.
Ah, I sighed internally. How was I supposed to face Jiang Qing after this?
Jiang Qing had turned down many boys, including the village chief's son.
Although I thought of various excuses to skip school the next day, my resolve was no match for reality.
As I walked towards the alley next to the school, I ran into the village chief's son. Oddly enough, he was holding a stick.
He asked me if the recent rumors were true—whether my relationship with Jiang Qing was really as everyone said.
I thought to myself, what does it matter to you? So I didn’t answer.
He pressed on, asking if it was true that everyone was saying Jiang Qing and I had slept together.
I was taken aback; the direction of the rumors was strange.
Still, I remained silent.
Finally, he said, "You're just like your brother—a complete fool!"
My brother? Xu Ye? Damn!
"You can curse at me, but how dare you insult my brother! You should take a good look at yourself before you speak, and you still like Jiang Qing? That's hilarious! Let me tell you, even if Jiang Qing liked me, she would never like you!"
I unleashed a torrent of insults, successfully igniting the anger of the village chief's son.
Of course, I overestimated his character.
I thought he wouldn't lay a hand on a girl, but the moment he swung the stick, I felt fear grip me.
The stick came swinging towards me, and I was so scared that I couldn't move, closing my eyes in terror.
But instead of feeling pain, I only heard a dull thud.
When I opened my eyes, "Ah—"
I saw Jiang Qing lying on the ground, her head covered in blood, convulsing.
I couldn't understand how the stick meant for me had struck Jiang Qing instead!
"You bastard! You bastard!"
I kept cursing at the village chief's son while kneeling on the ground, holding Jiang Qing tightly. "Call an ambulance—"
I trembled uncontrollably, filled with fear. I was so scared, so scared of losing Jiang Qing.
It’s all my fault; I spoke without thinking.
Jiang Qing suffered a severe head injury and left for another city to receive treatment. Since then, there has been no news of her.
This incident caused quite a stir, and the village was filled with harsh words directed at me.
Day by day, year by year, I drifted through life, becoming increasingly melancholic.
I felt like a monster, constantly pointed at and whispered about by the villagers.
I seemed to have fallen into depression.
I brought this upon myself.
I often sat by the window in a daze, flipping through my math book. At times, I even hallucinated that Jiang Qing was there, explaining math problems to me and scolding me for being thick-headed. I could almost smell her faint fragrance.
Gradually, I lost interest in everything.
I told Xu Ye, "Brother, my heart hurts so much. I miss her."
Xu Ye held me and said he understood.
I smiled; understood what? He had never been in love.
Until that day, Xu Ye ran happily towards me. "Xu Shan, we are leaving this place."
I looked at him in a daze.
"I found a job in Qi City, and..."
"And Jiang Qing is also in Qi City."
In an instant, the darkness in my eyes was illuminated.
I finally left this place to search for Jiang Qing.
I wanted to see her; I had to apologize. There were so many things I wanted to say to her. I really... missed her so much.
But when I finally met her, I realized she didn't remember me at all.
Xu Ye said that Jiang Qing had been hit on the head and suffered from amnesia. She couldn't recall many things from the past; she might not even recognize you anymore.
So, she really didn’t know me.
All our past encounters and memories had been wiped clean.
Perhaps it was for the best; if she didn’t remember me, she wouldn’t recall the pain I had caused her.
I transferred to Jiang Qing's school, while Xu Ye worked as a psychologist in Qi City.
Life seemed to be improving, yet it blinded me.
Whispers began to circulate at school.
About me.
About my attraction to girls.
At first, no one paid much attention, but a mundane life always craves some excitement to stir up the waters.
And once the box of Pandora is opened, it cannot be closed again.
I became the target for everyone's frustrations, a focal point of ridicule.
Endless humiliation and insults became a part of my daily routine.
I used to fight back, but the more I resisted, the worse I was hurt, my body covered in scars.
Fortunately, all the gossip was directed solely at me.
I thought that I would never cross paths with Jiang Qing again.
But fate had other plans for us.
In the restroom, just after I had been thoroughly humiliated by them, Jiang Qing appeared.
She looked straight at me, saying nothing, and disregarding the astonished gazes of those around us, she walked over and pulled me up.
This action left everyone, including myself, dumbfounded.
After that, I saw Jiang Qing more frequently.
I was still being bullied.
Jiang Qing never participated.
She even apologized to me, saying that all she could do was not get involved and that I shouldn't blame her.
Jiang Qing, how could I ever blame you?
I was especially happy that none of this had affected you.
Life continued on, and I kept struggling to get by.
That day, when I went to the teacher's office to collect my assignments, Jiang Qing was there too.
All the teachers had gone to a meeting, leaving the large room empty except for the two of us.
I still had a bandage on my head.
I saw her put down her assignments and walk towards me, stopping right in front of me.
I stood there, at a loss, as time stretched painfully between her and me.
Then she reached out and gently touched the wound covered by a Band-Aid.
Li Hao, the ringleader, particularly enjoyed asking me what it felt like to be with a girl.
I thought he was just indulging in idle chatter, but I never imagined his soul was so filthy that he wanted to violate me.
No amount of struggling or pleading made any difference.
If things went as he wished, I would be finished.
Lying on the ground, I turned my head away, not wanting to see the beast on top of me, but in the next moment, I caught sight of Jiang Qing hiding in the corner.
I shook my head gently, signaling her not to come over.
But it was too late; she rushed out, shouting, "Someone called the police! Someone called the police!"
They looked at me in terror and scrambled to escape.
The instigator, Li Hao, hurriedly pulled up his pants in fright.
I was saved.
At the same time, she was pulled into this mess.
Li Hao, frustrated from his previous failure, was taking out his anger on me even more.
When he learned that there were no police that day, he noticed something was off with Jiang Qing.
Once the seed of suspicion is planted, it will inevitably sprout.
This was also what I feared the most.
He took Jiang Qing to the rooftop of the school to question her about our relationship.
Jiang Qing had no idea that I was hidden in the corner, and I heard every word of her conversation with Li Hao clearly.
Jiang Qing said, "I don't like girls."
Even though I already knew the answer, hearing it with my own ears still hurt my heart.
They wanted Jiang Qing to hit me, to hit me hard, to prove that what she said was true.
I knew she couldn't bring herself to do it.
She had already done enough for me; I couldn't hurt her any further.
I smiled at her and said, "Go ahead, Jiang Qing. It's okay." How I wished that none of this had ever happened and that she could still be that radiant Jiang Qing, full of the fragrance of books.
I was beaten and bruised all over, bleeding profusely, unable to stand.
It was Jiang Qing who helped me back home.
She said she was sorry.
She said she didn’t know why things had turned out this way, but she would pay the price for it, no matter what that price might be; she was willing to bear it.
But Jiang Qing, what more do you have to pay? The reason you are like this is entirely my fault, caused by my ridiculous feelings.
I am the one who deserves this fate.
I know Jiang Qing has already forgotten what happened before.
Yet I still want her to know that, as they say, I am a monster.
I said to Jiang Qing, "I like girls."
I thought she would retreat.
But instead, I heard her say that she did too.
"Xu Shan," Jiang Qing suddenly called me.
"Let’s go to Qian County tomorrow."
In Qian County, we cast aside all worldly concerns and complexities. Here, there is no bullying, no fear; only the quiet presence of the faint fragrance from my memories.
I felt a bit dazed, as if the old Jiang Qing had returned.
We held hands, taking in the beautiful sights of Qian County, savoring the local snacks. Each of us had one earbud in, listening to Jay Chou's "Sunny Day."
I thought Qian County would become a secret shared between Jiang Qing and me, but while I was in the restroom, I caught a glimpse of Li Hao's mischievous eyes.
He had discovered us.
"Xu Shan, you and Jiang Qing really have something going on," he said.
"Li Hao, please, it's my issue; it has nothing to do with Jiang Qing."
"Alright then, promise me one thing, and I'll pretend I saw nothing. Otherwise, if I spill the beans, your Jiang Qing might..."
"What condition?"
No matter what Li Hao asked for, I would agree.
He said, "Xu Shan, tomorrow is Sunday. My family won't be home. Come over to my place and hang out with me. If you do well, I'll act like I’m blind today."
I didn't tell Jiang Qing about running into Li Hao.
It seems that some matters still need to be resolved.
By the Qian River, they were releasing Kongming Lanterns. The shopkeeper said that if you make a wish while looking at the Kongming Lantern, the heavens will hear you.
Jiang Qing asked me what I wished for, and I told her that I hoped she would never know my wish.
Because I want her to be happy forever.
Jiang Qing, in the days to come, I hope you find joy and smooth sailing. If there ever comes a day when you feel weary and pessimistic about the world, I hope the heavens grant you a chance to start anew.
Your new beginning should not include me.
On Sunday, as per Li Hao's request, I arrived on time.
When I reached Li Hao's house and knocked on the door, no one answered. However, I faintly heard a weak cry for help from inside.
Peering through the window, I gasped in shock.
Li Hao was lying on the floor, surrounded by blood, with a knife plunged into his abdomen.
I immediately jumped through the window, intending to call for help, but my eyes caught sight of a red hair tie lying next to Li Hao.
I have one just like it; it was given to me by Jiang Qing.
I asked Li Hao why this had happened.
Li Hao cursed in pain, "Damn you, Jiang Qing! Just wait until I get my hands on you!"
Jiang Qing?
"Jiang Qing... is this what you've done to me?" I could hardly believe it.
"Stop talking nonsense and call an ambulance! Who knows what that crazy woman is thinking? She dared to stab me! Once I'm better, I'll make sure she pays for this!"
Li Hao continued to rant, but I hung up the phone.
Then I looked at Li Hao, said nothing, and pulled the knife out of his abdomen, plunging it fiercely toward his heart.
Everything turned red, and the room fell silent.
I sat beside Li Hao for a long time.
I didn't understand why Jiang Qing would do this, but it seemed that the answer no longer mattered.
I got up and tidied the room, wiping away any traces that Jiang Qing might have left behind. Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I also called Xu Ye. "Brother, I've killed someone."
The police quickly reached a conclusion: after enduring long-term bullying at school, I couldn't take it anymore and accidentally committed murder.
Since I was a minor, I was placed in a juvenile detention center in Shanghai.
Before I was taken away, I told Xu Ye, "Brother, I'm sorry. Please take good care of Jiang Qing for me."
Xu Ye replied, "We'll wait for you to come back."
Xu Ye often came to Shanghai to see me.
He told me that Jiang Qing's emotions were stable now and that she had started receiving psychological treatment, which reassured me.
Every time Xu Ye visited, I noticed he seemed thinner than before.
I said to him, "Brother, you've worked hard all this time. You should find someone to take care of you. Once I'm reformed, I'll repay you properly."
Each time I said this, he would smile indulgently but never say a word in response.
Xu Ye drove from Qi City to Shanghai to see me. The journey was long and arduous. Since I had performed well and was released early, I didn't tell Xu Ye, planning instead to surprise him in person when I returned to Qi City.
But little did I know that the Director had informed Xu Ye about my release that very day. I knew he would drop everything and rush to Shanghai to pick me up.
I didn't wait for him; instead, I received a phone call.
The traffic police said Xu Ye was speeding and driving while fatigued.
The doctor said, "I'm sorry."
The person who had always spoiled me was gone.
In the morgue, the doctor asked who would sign the death certificate for Xu Ye.
"Who else is there?"
Then I heard footsteps approaching me, and I looked up to meet a pair of eyes.
Those were the eyes I had longed for.
I never expected to see her again.
I said, "Jiang Qing, it's been a long time."
Jiang Qing and I returned to Xu Ye's apartment to pack up his things, and we discovered a diary.
I had never known that Xu Ye kept a diary. Opening the cover, the first page read: "Why does Cupid shoot arrows with his eyes closed? Because love knows no gender."
Suddenly, I understood something. Jiang Qing and I exchanged glances, and at that moment, my left hand tightly held Jiang Qing's right hand.
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