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My bewildering life.
墨書 Inktalez
What should people in their twenties really be doing? In this day and age, it seems like we can't find our own path. When we were young, we felt like we were extraordinary, but as we grew up, we realized how ordinary we actually are. Graduating from an ordinary university, failing the postgraduate entrance exam, and not having a strong grasp of professional knowledge, with no connections, there are no job opportunities, and our resumes are frequently rejected. I think this is the reality for most young people. I often wonder, what is the meaning of studying? I am a relatively ordinary person, born in the countryside, my parents didn't have much education, and now they rely on a small amount of savings from their business. The mindset of rural people is probably that studying is the only way out for a person. I didn't like studying when I was young, and I didn't want to go to school. I thought I had some talent in music and wondered if I could learn it, but in the eyes of rural people, that seemed a bit off track. So, I dragged myself to junior high with the idea of bringing honor to my parents. At that time, my mother's expectation for me was to attend the best high school in our county, and I always worked hard for that, but unfortunately, my grades were not ideal and I didn't reach that goal.
Later, when I entered high school, I was also influenced by this mindset, but it seemed like everyone was like that. We worked hard for better grades, to be on the honor roll in the college entrance examination, and to bring honor to our families. During high school, I put unprecedented pressure on myself. Every time I didn't perform well in exams, I would fall into deep self-blame, especially in my senior year. I even felt like I couldn't breathe. The fact is, too much pressure is not a good thing. I couldn't sleep the night before the college entrance examination, and the next day, I lost my composure during the math exam. When the results came out, I still failed. I felt very depressed for a few days after the results came out, feeling like my efforts over the years were a joke, and I didn't know what the point was. So, I went to a private university, which is equivalent to a third-tier university.
During these years in college, I did waste my time. It wasn't until my third year when my parents hoped I could take the postgraduate entrance exam that I started studying again. I asked myself if I had done my best that year, and I did feel that it was a very fulfilling year. But the world is still cruel and realistic. On the eve of the postgraduate entrance exam, I had a fever of 39 degrees, and I sat in the exam room in a daze, answering the questions. After the exam, I knew I probably didn't stand a chance. Not all efforts bring satisfactory results. I failed again. I was really unwilling to accept it at that time, but that's the reality. The postgraduate entrance exam is like a small boat that cannot carry everyone's dreams.
I have always felt that my life is a failure. I failed the entrance exam for middle school, the college entrance exam, and the postgraduate entrance exam. It seems that all my failures have accompanied me, and success is only occasional. Failure seems to run through our lives.
I have always been someone who puts a lot of pressure on myself. My parents are very good; they are the best parents in the world. They never demand anything from me. Throughout my years of study, they have always given me encouragement. Even though I failed several times, they still smiled and said it was okay, as long as I did my best. At times like this, I always feel that I am letting them down.
After failing the postgraduate entrance exam, I wanted to try again, but just as the pandemic ended, the campus, which had been closed for three years, was finally open for free access. So I couldn't control myself and played for a long time. Now, when I want to take the exam again, there is not enough time. Some people might say, "As long as you start now, it's not too late for anything." I think this statement is both right and wrong. It's right because it can encourage people, but it's wrong because in reality, being late means being late. Being late may mean failure. I don't want to gamble on this year, so I chose to find a job. I think that starting to accumulate work experience now may not necessarily be worse than studying for three years, but I can only say that ideals are full, but reality is skinny.
After graduating from college, I stayed at home for a while, and then I came to Xi'an. Holding my resume, I started my job search journey. I thought that even though my university wasn't great, at least I had a bachelor's degree, so finding a job shouldn't be difficult. But reality still gave me a painful blow. My resume seemed to disappear into the void, and all the interviews were with fraudulent companies. At job fairs, everyone seemed to graduate from prestigious universities, and I didn't even submit a single resume. I fell into deep despair. People are probably like this - young and arrogant, yet unremarkable.
Until now, I still haven't found a job. I have an interview tomorrow, and although I know my chances are slim, I still want to give it a try. Perhaps this is looking at everything in a positive light. These days, my parents often call to ask about my job search. I feel a bit ashamed. After so many years of studying, I can't even find a job that pays a few thousand yuan. But I always use the excuse of a tough job market. Unwilling to accept my mediocrity, yet forced to accept it. After so many years of studying, all I have gained is the attire of Kong Yiji.
I think there are probably many people like me, feeling lost about their future. When I wrote this book, I also couldn't find what I wanted to express. But how can a book not have a main idea? Perhaps what I want to express is that the job market is tough, and young people are under too much pressure. Maybe I want to find someone like me, to seek comfort, or maybe I just want to escape from reality for a while. But I know that after a brief escape, I will have to return to the present reality.
This world is inherently unfair. Some people are born with a carefree life, while others are burdened with high expectations from their parents and have to struggle every step of the way. Take the current exam planning teacher Zhang Xuefeng as an example. He encourages everyone to take the postgraduate entrance exam, but he has stated that he wouldn't let his own daughter take it. You might feel indignant at this apparent contradiction, wondering why he advocates for others to take the exam but changes his mind when it comes to his own child. I really like Zhang Xuefeng. When I was under a lot of pressure preparing for the exam, I often watched his videos to relieve stress. He is a very practical and positive person. I think he is right. If you have the ability, then let your daughter live a carefree life. He tells us the reality so that our future path can be a little easier. As a result, he has faced a lot of criticism, including for encouraging certain majors and discouraging others. I think he is someone who genuinely considers our future life paths.
I often hear people say that it's normal for young people to feel lost. At first, I thought it made sense, but later I realized that it's just an excuse for our failures. Nowadays, I feel that a large part of the population, including myself, feels that after studying for so many years, we are unwilling to work as waiters or security guards, thinking that these jobs are beneath us. But the reality is that while you look down on these grassroots jobs, technical jobs may not look favorably upon you. So now, it feels like the job market is not good, and in the end, it's because we set our sights too high.
There aren't that many exceptional people in this world. I see a lot of them on the internet, those who have made a certain amount of money at a young age. I always feel like, why can't I do that? But the reality is that ordinary people make up the majority. Those successful people on the internet are still just a few out of thousands or millions. I have come to accept my own ordinariness.
I have a favorite writer, his novels are very well written. I loved reading them since middle school, and I still read every one of his works. He is someone I greatly admire. Many people say his novels are repetitive and lack substance, but I want to say that I just really like this pattern. For me, it brings a lot of joy, which is nourishing. I don't think his works are any worse than those educational books.
This writer is a very talented person. The protagonists in his novels are all passionate and inspiring characters. But there is a saying online that is very true: the truly talented person is not Xiao Yan, but the Potato who could write "Battle Through the Heavens" at the age of 19. This is probably the extraordinary people online.
Tian Can Tu Dou has had a great influence on me. Later, when I was in college, I also planned to write my own novel and made efforts for it. At that time, I would sit in the dormitory and write after class every day. After having a certain amount of drafts, I also published my first novel. I won't say what it is here, but in short, for some reasons at that time, I couldn't persist and gave up. Maybe what I lack compared to these successful people is that perseverance.
At this point, I'll write the rest tomorrow. After expressing my inner thoughts in the article, I still need to return to reality and continue living.
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