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墨書 Inktalez
When I entered the prison, I knew what it meant.
I knew I would spend a long time waiting, a waiting that was a promise to my loved ones. But I'm not in a hurry at all. I calmly adapt to life in prison, and I take my new life seriously. Why do I say this? Because I know how huge the number ten is. This number doesn't allow me to be in a hurry. The more I rush, the slower time passes, and the more agonizing it becomes. So I should take each day here as it comes. I feel like a different person, never have I lived so intentionally. That's why I call this my rebirth, the beginning of my new life.
At the beginning, Liu Ying would come to visit me once a month. I considered this monthly visit to be the most precious time in my life. I ate seriously, established routines, and studied regularly, all so that when she came to visit, she wouldn't be too disappointed. Seeing her increasingly worn out by life, my heart ached.
She came as promised every month, never missing a visit. Each time she brought me new words, truly helping me out of my predicament, and hoping that I, like her, would find the true path and pursue it for a lifetime! Over the years, no matter how tough and tiring the environment was, she never complained in front of me. How did she manage to do that? Because of this, I have come to admire and love her more and more.
I don't know either, how many years or how many times it was that we met. After this time, I refused to meet with her again. Because I feel that I still haven't found my true self, I still haven't saved myself. I have been practicing hard, pursuing what exactly? Suddenly, I feel like something is holding back my progress, I want to climb up, but I can't. The master leads the way, but practice is up to the individual!
For a long time, I refused to meet with her for two reasons. One is that I really can't bear to see her, she gives me spiritual richness, making her so tired, to be honest, it almost takes my breath away. I want her to stop, not to be so tired, to rest well. The second is that I really need to grow on my own, to study on my own, I want to become the great saint, the wise person she talks about! But now, I can't even surpass her, how can I achieve what I want to become?
One night, Taliesin came into my dream, she entered my body, and we started talking again.
"Taliesin, please help me. So many years have passed, are you not resentful of me? You made me Surrender, and I Surrendered. I am now atoning for everything I have done. Can you tell me if I am pursuing the right path?"
"You go ask Liu Ying, she will help you!"
"Don't leave, stay and talk to me! I need someone to wake me up!"
I vividly remember our previous conversation where I declined to meet her, and we discussed many things.
Liu Ying said, "I will think, often thinking, constantly thinking! About life, about life, about pursuit, I also have a deep understanding, just like the feeling in the hearts of ordinary people! But for me, I feel it's hard to tell you, to make you understand! What I want to say is, wisdom is unspeakable. Wisdom, if any wise person wants to convey it, it sounds foolish."
I said, "Are you kidding me? How could that be?"
Liu Ying said, "Knowledge can be transmitted through words, but wisdom cannot. A person can find wisdom, live with wisdom, guide life with wisdom, and create miracles with wisdom. But this cannot be taught; it can only be understood by the individual. Do you remember when I told you why I left my teacher? Why my favorite student left me? Do you remember Siddhartha Gautama that I mentioned to you? Do you remember the World-Honored One? He used his words to preach to the world, actually talking about reincarnation and nirvana, deception and truth, suffering and liberation. No one is completely pure or sinful!"
I anxiously looked at Liu Ying, feeling foolish in my hesitation to speak.
Liu Ying said, "Listen carefully, my beloved. The sinner could be me, or it could be you. Perhaps one day, we will truly achieve nirvana, or perhaps we will become the World-Honored One that you admire. But which day will that be? Can a sinner become a saint? Or perhaps, the sinner at this moment is already the saint of the future! We are all progressing towards perfection, and perhaps we have already achieved it at this moment, because where there is sin, there is grace, and where there is death, there is eternal life."
I asked, "Have you ever thought that there is no such thing as perfection?"
Liu Ying said, "I used to think so too. Perhaps we all need to have guilt, we all need to pursue wealth, and then despair, be hurt all over, learn to give up resistance, force ourselves to like this world, let go, accept this world, and integrate into this world! Then live a painful life."
I said, "How can I understand this world, interpret this world, can I do it?"
Liu Ying said, "I want to tell you that love is the most important. What you are talking about is what great thinkers should do, but what I want is just to be able to love this world, not to resent the world and myself, to hold love, worship, and respect for everything."
I really think Liu Ying is an amazing person. Her thoughts are something I can't quite grasp at the moment. She is completely different from the Betty Liu I knew before. Her gaze, her breath, her smile, and the way she walks are all different. She is like a fairy, no, I think she is a saint. She exudes tranquility, joy, warmth, and holiness all around her. This is the person I love, my beloved.
I say, "My beloved, tell me, how can I reach the state you are in? I know this path is full of thorns, but I am willing to go through it. I am determined, and I will accomplish it."
I quietly looked at Liu Ying, with a peaceful smile on my face. Liu Ying didn't speak, she was lost in thought. She seemed to see the longing on my face, accompanied by pain, eternal pursuit, and eternal loss. She smiled and said, "Come close to my face! Come on! Get close to my face! Hurry! Come closer! Be still! Very good, please kiss my forehead! My husband!" She closed her eyes.
I am a little at a loss. Over the years, I have never thought of making such a move, especially at the request of a woman. I have been greatly influenced by love and emotions. I seem a little shy. I lean in close to her, slowly, slowly, and place my lips on Liu Ying's forehead, feeling this magical power.
I have completely forgotten everything, enjoying the beauty of this moment, which seems to surpass a thousand words. Those incomprehensible, difficult, and puzzling questions seem to melt into a drop of tender water at this moment, instantly moistening my soul, instantly watering a withered flower, allowing it to bravely yearn for life.
I can't see Liu Ying's face anymore. I see the faces of other people, familiar yet unfamiliar, vivid yet clumsy, like notes on a piano, playing a beautiful melody.
Under the accompaniment of the melody, one scene after another reappears before me! There is the kind face of Aunt Mapo, my first and closest relative, whose whereabouts I still haven't inquired about; the lovable and respectable Elder Yu, without whom I couldn't have escaped the pursuit of deserters, I might have met the King of Hell; my father-in-law Jonas, who considered me a friend, a kind man who, in his final moments, had to endure such heart-wrenching pain; the first woman in my life who made me feel something, Miss Lisa, who sparked my love but turned out to be just a dream; the young man who inspired me to pursue my dreams, Mark, who gave me endless strength and inspiration, leading me step by step into the abyss of sin; and my dearest Mrs. Marina, like a guardian to me, understanding, supporting, and always standing by my side; The Jan family provided me with great help, allowing me to enter high society and understand the life of the nobility, which also inflated my desires, and later I grew to despise their faces, forcing myself to surpass them; Shaw DeBang is my enemy and my friend, for some reason, I can't bring myself to hate him, I like him, I like his arrogant expression, his supreme demeanor; my unfortunate wife, Taliesin, please stop tormenting me in my dreams, I have realized my mistake, your face will always be so beautiful: I am the murderer, I struck the axe at the back of old woman's head, I am the killer, I should be punished... Too many, too many, these strangers with familiar faces seem to be swaying in front of me... These masks are all smiling at me, these masks are Liu Ying's expression, and at this moment, my lips are kissing this face! Perhaps this is a perfect smile.
I seem to understand, I seem to comprehend! I shed a line of hot tears, for some reason, these tears flow down my face, making me feel the sincere love burning like fire. Humble admiration rises in my heart.
Liu Ying's smile reminds me of everything, all the things I have loved, cherished, and pursued in my life.
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