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墨書 Inktalez
As I waited, the college entrance examination was fast approaching. Perhaps it was due to the limited number of official testing venues, or perhaps the university admission quotas were too few. The policy at that time required a round of Pre-examination in May, simulating the college entrance exam format. This was organized by the county, and all third-year students preparing for the exam, including repeaters, had to participate. Only those who reached a certain score would be allowed to take the National Unified College Entrance Examination in July.
In my mind, based on my usual performance, passing the Pre-examination should have been easy. Therefore, unlike most of my classmates who studied diligently for the Curriculum and prepared for the exam, I approached it with a casual attitude. I even felt more relaxed as I anticipated the end of my three years in high school, indulging in a certain excitement about farewells and engaging in gossip with my classmates, dreaming of a bright future after entering university and stepping out into a world full of opportunities.
I didn't take the Pre-examination seriously; its content and format were so forgettable that even decades later, I couldn't recall any details. The only memories that lingered were trivial moments surrounding the exam itself.
I was quite the foodie, and my most vivid memory of the Pre-examination was related to food: starting from dinner the night before the exam, the cafeteria's meals suddenly improved significantly. With other grades on break, only about five or six hundred students remained in our grade, allowing the cafeteria—originally designed for over a thousand—to rearrange its tables. We still sat eight to a table, but there was a noticeable change in the dishes served. The main dish was braised pork; technically speaking, it wasn't just braised pork but what we called "Pan Meat" in our local dialect. The preparation was similar to that of stewed pork belly, but instead of slices, this meat was served in chunks.
In rural areas, "Pan Meat" is a crucial dish during banquets. When served, it would be covered with a bowl until all tables received their portions. Then, a respected representative would explain the reason for the banquet and thank friends and family who came to celebrate before unveiling the dish to officially start the meal.
Even during tough times when families were building houses or marrying off daughters, this dish had to be present at banquets. However, people usually hesitated to eat it themselves; instead, they would portion it out into bowls to take home for their children. After three years at Third Middle School, this was the first time this dish appeared in our cafeteria. Not only did we have two bowls full of braised pork on our table, but there was also another soup dish and some vegetables. Divided among us, each person could enjoy two or three ounces of meat. Being quite large in stature, I received an extra helping from my classmate who noticed how much food there was—by the end of it all, I had nearly half a pound of meat on my plate and was so engrossed in eating that I almost forgot everything else.
Amidst my relaxation and my classmates' anxiety, the three days of Pre-examination quickly passed by. The school gave us two days off afterward; everyone returned to study while waiting for our scores to be released. Some were worried while others were indifferent, but no one seemed focused on studying as we awaited the final results.
About half a month later, when scores and cutoffs were announced, I was stunned: over ten students from our class made it through, yet I was not one of them!
Dazed and confused by this outcome, I found an old report card and self-analysis from thirty years ago: Politics 79 points, Chinese Language 94.5 points, Mathematics 92 points, Physics 42 points, Chemistry 56.5 points, Biology 73.5 points, English 69 points—a total score of 506.5 points with a cutoff of 512 points. Chemistry should not have scored only 56.5 points; what went wrong? If not for that mistake, perhaps things would have turned out differently now. Although Physics is known as a challenging subject, I shouldn't have scored so low there either. Politics, Mathematics, and Biology should have yielded higher scores as well. Unfortunately, due to my lack of effort and not taking things seriously enough at that time, this opportunity slipped away!
Not passing the Pre-examination was a significant blow for someone like me who had always ranked within the top ten academically; my parents and teachers were equally surprised and regretful. Those who passed gathered into one class for review sessions while several classmates decided to return home to work on farms or find jobs; most of us who didn’t pass stayed behind in class where teachers no longer came to teach or enforce discipline. I sat alone by the window: although I could still catch glimpses of shadows moving slowly or bouncing by outside, that perfect figure seemed increasingly distant—what should I do?
The first thing I needed to determine was whether to repeat another year or go home? In almost everyone's eyes—teachers', classmates', and even relatives'—repeating seemed like the only option; yet sensitive and insecure as I was at that moment made me hesitate slightly. I never considered farming hard work nor viewed farmers as being at society's bottom rung; however, I harbored dreams of escaping from what I called Farmer Class. Given my circumstances then, attending university felt like my only way out. But failing at the Pre-examination truly shook my confidence—what if repeating didn’t lead to success either? What would others think?
Before resolving that first dilemma another uncertainty arose: if I did repeat another year—what would I study? For most people this question would be straightforward: continue with what you were studying before! But looking closely at my Pre-examination results revealed that Physics and Chemistry had dragged down my scores significantly while History had always intrigued me—even though I'd never taken formal history classes—I’d read countless history books from ancient times up until now! My teachers and classmates acknowledged my strong memory skills; they said those with good memories often excelled in humanities subjects.
Of course, I'd never particularly enjoyed interacting with humanities students; I found them too easily swayed by emotions—especially wary of those “intellectual rogues.” Moreover, my mother’s experiences warned me that those studying humanities could easily face backlash during political movements.
It felt like one knot led into another; before resolving those two issues another dilemma surfaced: where should I study? Currently enrolled at Third Middle School if I repeated another year there were three options: First option—stay at Third Middle School—the advantage being familiarity with both teachers and environment which would make studying easier; however familiarity also meant being surrounded by too many friends who might lead me astray again down that path of “not working hard enough.” Second option—attend Second Middle School—which would be necessary if pursuing humanities studies—and since Mr. Long Zuocai from Garden Middle School had transferred there too; Dad assured me he’d handle everything if I expressed interest in going there! Third option—go to First High School—not its main campus but rather one where teachers ran several review classes off-campus; reportedly each class consisted of around one hundred students mostly made up of repeaters close to passing scores for both Pre-examination and college entrance exams—with good results as well since four or five out of every ten students typically gained admission into universities! Yet somehow it felt like First High School had always eluded me—I hadn’t passed its entrance exams twice already during elementary school and middle school—and besides with such large classes how much could teachers really teach?
Caught in this web of confusion—I drifted through life like a zombie—constantly questioning myself: where do I go from here?
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