Suicide Victim 15: Mental Block (1)
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墨書 Inktalez
I was born in 1994, and I am 23 years old this year. In my short life, I have been entangled with one person for over six years. I can say that after turning 17, I lived because of her, and now my desire to die is also because of her. 0
 
Her name is Xu Wenmo, and she is the same age as me. 0
 
The story begins in my second year of high school. 0
 
That day, nearly a month had passed since the summer vacation started. The preparatory bell rang, and students rushed back to their classrooms during the break. I was sitting in the back row, flipping through Xi Murong's poetry collection. 0
 
"Lin Ye, come out for a moment." The homeroom teacher appeared silently behind me, and I felt a sudden unease in my heart. 0
 
Classmates turned to look at me. Under the homeroom teacher's stern gaze, I put away the poetry collection and lowered my head as I walked into the hallway. The hallway was quiet, with some boys playfully rushing up from the stairwell towards the classroom. 0
 
"Do you know what I want to talk to you about?" The homeroom teacher leaned against the railing, her thick glasses magnifying her small eyes to a distorted size, which looked quite frightening upon closer inspection. 0
 
"I don't know," I replied knowingly. 0
 
"It’s been almost a month since school started; when are you going to pay your tuition?" My family was struggling financially, and my grades were average. She didn't care about my self-esteem at all; her sharp words made me feel like my face was on fire, wishing I could leap over the railing and jump down. 0
 
"..." 0
 
"I'm not pushing you; it's the finance department that's urging me. If you don't pay soon, you won't be able to attend classes. You haven't picked up your textbooks yet, have you?" 0
 
"No, the class monitor said we need a payment receipt to get the books." 0
 
"You see? You haven't had any books for a month; how can you understand what the teachers are teaching? You've fallen behind so much compared to others." The homeroom teacher pushed up her glasses. "Go home and tell your dad that if you don't pay your tuition soon, you'll have to drop out." 0
 
"Teacher..." 0
 
"Ah, you're the new student Xu, right?" The homeroom teacher interrupted me before I could finish speaking and walked enthusiastically towards someone behind me. "Did you come by yourself?" 0
 
"Yes, teacher." 0
 
I heard a calm response and secretly turned my head to catch a glimpse of the new student from the corner of my eye. 0
 
She was beautiful. That was my first impression of her. She had an ordinary ponytail with a smooth forehead and no bangs. Her eyes were dark and bright, her skin as white as jade, with a delicate nose and thin lips that looked somewhat pale—perhaps she wasn't in good health. 0
 
She carried a shoulder bag and wore a striped outfit; her posture was straight and upright, clearly indicating that she came from a wealthy background as a good student. 0
 
As I envied her in silence, her gaze slightly shifted past the homeroom teacher and floated towards me. 0
 
In that moment when our eyes met, my heart skipped a beat—regardless of gender or anything else; there was something magical about her eyes. I can only say that when she looks at you, it makes you shiver unexpectedly. 0
 
"Lin Ye, you go in first; we'll talk about that later." The homeroom teacher didn’t even glance at me but turned her back towards me and waved her hand decisively towards the new student. "Come in; I'll arrange a seat for you." 0
 
"Okay." 0
 
 
I entered through the back door while she followed the homeroom teacher in through the front. In the brief moment we passed each other, I grinned at her mischievously, and she seemed taken aback, her eyes momentarily dazed. "Come on, what are you thinking about?" urged the homeroom teacher, prompting her to stop looking at me and enter the classroom from the front. 0
 
"This is our new classmate who just transferred here, named Xu Wenmo. Everyone, please get to know her," the homeroom teacher gestured to her. "Xu, please introduce yourself." 0
 
"Hello everyone, my name is Xu Wenmo. I hope we can get along well in the future," she recited expressionlessly while staring at the ground. After a few seconds of silence, as if waiting for the teacher to signal her to take a seat, she blinked her long, thick eyelashes a few times. I had never seen such eyelashes before; they looked unreal, like they were dipped in ink. There’s a modern term that doesn’t quite capture it accurately: "eyelash fairy." She continued, "I’m a local and just transferred back from another place. Teacher, I’m done speaking." 0
 
"Oh? Good, then take a seat wherever you like," the homeroom teacher pointed to a spot in the middle of the third row, which was prime real estate—away from chalk dust and optimal for listening to lectures. "Xu Yingying, move back a row; everyone behind her should shift back as well." 0
 
Xu Yingying clearly wasn’t pleased. As both the class monitor and a top student, she had always been the teacher's favorite. "Oh," she said with noticeable annoyance while making a loud fuss packing her books and other items. 0
 
"Don’t pack up your books yet; class is about to start. You can share one with Wang Xiaoyan since Xu just arrived and hasn’t received her textbooks yet," the homeroom teacher added casually. 0
 
Xu Xiaoyan paused and shot Xu Wenmo a fierce glare, stomping her foot loudly enough that when she squeezed into the fourth row, students sitting outside were caught in the crossfire. 0
 
"Alright, Xu Wenmo, go ahead and sit down," the homeroom teacher pretended not to notice. 0
 
By the way, during our transition from freshman to sophomore year when we faced course selection, our homeroom teacher relentlessly pushed the idea that "studying science leads you everywhere while studying humanities has no future," resulting in all freshmen smoothly becoming sophomores. 0
 
The homeroom teacher taught math; her voice was still as sleep-inducing as ever. However, during this class, the boys were as lively as cicadas in summer, all eyes collectively fixed on Xu Wenmo's back. 0
 
"Xiao Mo, how's this class? Can you understand it?" Our classroom was arranged with five rows in the middle and two on each side. After class ended, the homeroom teacher leaned over two desks to check on Xu Wenmo's understanding of the lesson with great concern. 0
 
"I understand it; thank you, teacher," Xu Wenmo replied coolly. 0
 
"That's good; if you have any questions, just come to me directly." After saying this, the homeroom teacher's expression changed as she approached my desk. "Lin Ye, come with me." 0
 
Oh no, would she not let me off? I sighed internally but knew better than to offend the homeroom teacher. I followed her out into the bustling corridor filled with chatter. 0
 
"I'm not unaware of your family situation, but there are rules at school..." The homeroom teacher launched into a long-winded lecture. She probably thought these words would cloak her self-serving nature in a veneer of compassion. 0
 
I kept silent and secretly peeked through the glass window into the classroom. 0
 
Ah, those losers—while their studies weren’t great, they were all too eager to flirt with girls. Like flies buzzing around food, they crowded toward the front to chat up Xu Wenmo. The surrounding good students quickly vacated their seats, giving them an opportunity to climb onto desks and surround Xu Wenmo. 0
 
Xu Wenmo wore an expression of indifference as she stood up with a cold face. Not knowing what she said, she slipped past one of the boys who turned sideways as she edged out along the table. 0
 
At that moment, with her back turned to the classroom, the homeroom teacher was unaware that Xu Wenmo had walked behind her. I didn’t remind her; instead, I made faces at Xu Wenmo while the homeroom teacher continued her incessant chatter. 0
 
 
 
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