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Monsters Don't Run
墨書 Inktalez
I was walking down the street, feeling like I was lost. Yes, I must be lost. I had passed this Fritter Stand for the fourth time already. Although the fritters smelled really good, and the old lady selling them was ready to offer me a delicious one, I was really about to give up.
This morning at 4 AM, as usual, I prepared to get up and practice. But when I opened my eyes, I saw a greasy face that looked like it could fry fritters. I didn't scream or panic like those girls who wake up in strange beds. I was too familiar with this routine; the Pervert would start squatting in front of my bed at midnight until I woke up.
The Pervert is my master, although I always call him the Pervert.
I was brought back by the Pervert when I was three years old (although I've always suspected whether I'm his illegitimate child, but thankfully, given our looks, I'm not). He has been guarding a Broken Taoist Temple all alone, which has a very large tree inside. There are no statues in the Broken Taoist Temple, just two big characters painted like ghost symbols. Other than that, everything in the Broken Taoist Temple is like any other Taoist temple. I've lived in this Broken Taoist Temple for seventeen years. Before I turned twelve, the Pervert occasionally taught me to read and write. After I turned twelve, everything in the temple became my responsibility, including washing clothes, cooking, and repairing furniture. The Pervert never lifted a finger again. The Broken Taoist Temple has no visitors and no fields to cultivate, but it seems like the Pervert has an endless supply of money. He doesn't drink alcohol but loves to eat meat; several hams have been hanging in the kitchen for years as proof. Although he enjoys meat himself, he never lets me have a bite. Moreover, despite the temple being in such disrepair, he refuses to spend money on repairs; in his words, this is called cultivation. After I turned sixteen, he handed me a book called Eight Treasures Mystique for self-cultivation. When I turned eighteen, he gave me another book called Symbolic Drawing Interpretation for drawing talismans. So he did teach me some things.
But whenever the Pervert squats in front of my bed, I know it's never good news. The last time he squatted there was to send me to dig a cesspool for the village chief while he spent my hard-earned money on over ten pounds of pig head meat and ate it all himself without letting me have a bite even though he got heatstroke from it. The time before that, he said he would take me out to see the world but ended up sending me to move a coffin for a Dead Guy while he chanted spells for the widow left behind by that Dead Guy, claiming it was for Exorcism.
In short, I held back my urge to spit at him while listening to him talk and getting dressed.
"Little Anzi." I call him the Pervert; he calls me Little Anzi. "You've learned quite a bit here; it's time to serve your country and repay society. Now I have a great opportunity..."
"What’s in it for me?" I asked while fiddling with my clothes and casting a sidelong glance at him. Actually, before the Pervert could finish speaking, I already knew what he was going to say—wasn't it just about graduating and finding a job? At least he had some conscience and wasn't planning to trap me in this little broken temple forever; however, honestly speaking, it's quite difficult to find a job related to my field.
I remember when I was young watching Lin Daozhang's Zombie Movie and eagerly wishing to catch ghosts like him or fight Zombies when necessary and even chase corpses or collect beautiful female ghosts or something like that. But the Pervert told me we weren't from the same system; Lin Daozhang was like someone who wiped the Underworld's backside clean while we were still waiting for our turn... I admire how the Pervert can make anything sound sleazy while simultaneously squeezing an entire handful of horseradish into his freshly cooked pig trotters.
"You shouldn't always focus on these superficial gains and losses; we Cultivators value..."
"Better dead than poor," I interjected.
"......" The Pervert.
"You brat! Is this how I've taught you? We Cultivators should focus on benefiting all living beings."
"Then why don't you go?" While pulling up my pants lazily, I replied. It wasn't that I didn't want to go; it was just that if I didn't clarify things with the Pervert first, I'd always be the one getting taken advantage of. Plus, I enjoy bickering with him.
"Hehe, isn't your master getting old? Besides, you young people need some experience! Remember this mission of maintaining world peace is entrusted to you." The Pervert flashed a sleazy smile and produced several small books from his hands.
"Wow, Rulai Divine Palm? Are you trying to kill someone? Do you really think I'm an idiot? You've watched too many Stephen Chow movies!" I exclaimed incredulously; he really wanted to trick me! Who doesn't know those small books are published by Dinghao Stone Printing Company and retail for only two cents each? I'm quite suspicious that the Rulai Divine Palm that Stephen Chow had back then was given by the Pervert; with his low standards, he's capable of such things.
"You should at least have some creativity if you're going to trick me. Isn't it awkward for both of us if I expose you like this?"
The old man blushed and exchanged two even more tattered books. "Hehe, I grabbed the wrong ones; these two are the right ones."
"What the hell, how can you even grab the wrong ones? Old man... uh, Master, can't you be a bit more reliable? And these two books were probably what you used to prop up your desk, right?" The principle of buying things for Pervert was that he always ended up with defective items. Basically, any watch he bought would either not move at all or only the hands would move. The television would have a visible screen but nothing else would work, and the bicycle would ring except for the bell. When he bought a table, the seller had placed it on a slope, and since two of its legs were shorter, it stood stable on that slope. Pervert didn't even ask and just bought it. After bringing it home, he discovered that two legs were indeed short and cursed while hopping around. In the end, he had no choice but to find two books to prop it up, which were now in his hands while the table leaned at a 30-degree angle beside him.
"Ahem, we should make full use of everything. I usually don't read these random things," Pervert said with a face that was absolutely bulletproof—like an atomic bomb! "But, Little Anzi, you must be very careful when you go out. If you encounter anything you don't understand, just flip through these two books. Also, those few Talisman techniques you haven't finished learning over the years are in here too, but don't use them unless it's an emergency. Don't foolishly throw your life away outside; remember to be cautious in everything." It was rare for Pervert to give me such serious advice.
And so, I was pulled out of the Broken Taoist Temple by Pervert in a daze.
The bus stop was right at the village entrance, and it didn't take long to arrive. Just before leaving, I saw with my own eyes that Pervert dug out the 300 yuan I had hidden under my pillow. Damn it!
The bus went straight to the city center, but after getting off, I suddenly realized two major problems.
I forgot to ask where to go! I also forgot to bring money!
I stood on the street feeling like I was lost; yes, I must be lost. This was already the fourth time I passed by this Fritter Stand.
I nibbled on an oil cake while wandering alone on the busy road. You know what? This cabbage-filled oil cake actually tasted pretty good!
On such a hot day, standing on the street was definitely not as comfortable as being in an air-conditioned room—this is a truth spoken by Wozki Shode. Indeed, there was hardly anyone on the road. In the past, I often heard Er Gouzi brag about how there were girls in super short skirts everywhere in the city; reality proved otherwise! Not only were there no girls, but there were also... just... a group of strong men!
What the hell! What kind of bad luck is this? A group of strong men was walking straight towards me. Normally speaking, with my abilities, I wouldn't stand a chance against even one group of strong men... but I could definitely run away! Unfortunately, this group of strong men didn't seem ordinary. Why? Because under such bright sunlight, they had no shadows! Yes, no shadows! Damn it! Here I am just stepping out into the world and instead of encountering beautiful fox spirits or pretty ghost sisters, I'm faced with this group of strong men. It's like fate is against me!
These strong men were all over six feet tall; the leader was almost as tall as Yao Ming. Even stranger was that this leader had a shadow—except his shadow had no head! Yes, no head! Oh my god! They couldn't possibly be the legendary flying heads could they? The kind that can detach their heads and fly around! It is said they worship Sun Wukong as their Patriarch! (Remember when Sun Wukong competed with Tiger Force Immortal in head chopping? That’s one of the earliest written records about flying heads!!! Mistake!) The strong men were clearly well-trained; each took identical strides and stopped when their leader raised his hand.
If one ignored their shadows, they weren't so terrifying—each wore modified camouflage uniforms and military boots; surprisingly none of them were sweating under the blazing sun.
"Stop looking; Yin Zheng'an, we are here to find you," said "Yao Ming."
In this world of martial arts, one must not show weakness even if feeling intimidated; however, a wise man does not suffer immediate losses. With a thud, I knelt down.
"Gentlemen ghosts, we have no grievances or enmities; I don't know any of you. If you have grievances to settle or revenge to take, please don’t involve me. By the way, do you have any grudges against someone named Zheng? Let me tell you he's not easy to deal with; all you need to..." The surname Zheng refers to my master; I only know his surname but have never known his full name. Did that Pervert get into some trouble before and hide in that little broken temple? What the hell! My powers are low; I hope I'm not dragged into this mess.
"Truly a disciple of Old Town, your speed in kneeling is just as quick as your bottom line," the man said, not sure if he was praising or scolding me. "Alright, you don't need to be afraid. I have no grievances with you or your master. I'm just the one who came to introduce you to a job. You can call me Uncle Xing." The burly leader laughed and scolded.
Oh, if only you had said that earlier! I almost wet myself, thinking my master had some hidden enemies. It turns out this burly man is an old acquaintance of the Pervert. Wait a minute, the Pervert and the burly man? Hehe, I think I've discovered something.
"Phew, you scared me! I thought you were up to something!" I dusted off my knees; I had knelt too quickly and seemed to have scraped my skin a bit. "Uncle Xing, how did you know I was here?" I was being overly familiar!
"I waited for you for quite a while, and when I realized you hadn't arrived, I checked your location. It seems you got lost; you've circled this round shopping mall four times." Uncle Xing waved his hand, and the other burly men around him disappeared, leaving just one standing in front of me. Phew, this feels much better... Oh crap! Try standing in front of a brainless burly man under the blazing sun!
"Uncle Xing, if I may ask, who was that next to you just now?"
"Oh, it's nothing; they were just a bunch of little ghosts." What the hell! Just a bunch of little ghosts? How can you talk about such things so casually? "I owe finding you to them."
So it was Tracking Ghosts; these are considered low-level spirits. Many Taoists keep a few of them; they may not be useful for much else, but when it comes to locating someone, nothing is more effective than Tracking Ghosts. However, Tracking Ghosts are notoriously frail. How could this person catch so many Tracking Ghosts and still be so robust? What kind of taste does he have?
"Ah, Uncle Xing, my master didn't clarify what exactly we are doing before he left."
"Just follow me; you'll find out soon enough."
We wound through several streets until we arrived at a food street. Walking to the end of the street and looking up, six large characters stood out!
"JZ Normal University!" (To avoid some boring questions, I've used pinyin abbreviations for all place names and school names. Please don't reveal guesses or ask if you can't figure it out.)
"I say, Uncle Xing, why did you bring me to a university? I don't even have a junior high diploma; are you expecting me to work as a janitor here?" After all, I do have legitimate skills; how could I do such work? But then again, there are better positions in universities, like dormitory managers... If it were for managing the girls' dormitory... Hehe! But if he says it's for managing the boys' dormitory, I'd definitely turn around and leave!
"It's nothing; this is just our cover. Come with me."
Not long after walking, Uncle Xing took me to the university's Political Education Office and greeted an old man before leading me to the Sports Office. I thought so; with Uncle Xing's build, it would be a shame not to teach sports.
"Ahem, Xiao Jin, come here; we have a newcomer; please register him."
As soon as he finished speaking, a beautiful woman walked over. Upon closer inspection, she wore frameless silver glasses and had a perfectly standard oval face. Her hair was tied up at the back with chopsticks and she wore professional attire. Hmm! A solid 9 out of 10 for her face! Her figure was also great—especially her legs; they were slim where they should be slim and toned where they should be toned—what the hell! How could they be so thin! Hmm! Overall an 8 out of 10! Tsk tsk tsk, universities really are wonderful places! Even a casual Sports Office has such a beautiful woman.
"I advise you not to set your sights on Xiao Jin; you definitely won't be able to handle it." A delicate voice reached my ears—it was actually a sound transmission technique. Sound transmission isn't exactly a spell; it's an expression of control that stretches sound into a thin line so only those who want to hear it can listen in. Just as I wanted to ask why, I realized I couldn't use sound transmission myself and had to give up. I just couldn't understand what about this beauty would be too much for me to handle. Could it be... Hehe?
"Name"
"Yin Zheng'an"
"Gender"
"Clearly a male."
"Less nonsense, age." This beauty was quite cold.
"20"
I heard this beauty mumble softly, "So young?" Damn! A man! Absolutely cannot allow a woman to say he is young, in any aspect!
I muttered under my breath, just loud enough for myself to hear, "You're not that old either," and then deliberately glanced at the beauty's chest.
And then? There was no 'and then.' I distinctly felt myself defying gravity. That's right, I was flung away by that beauty named Xiao Jin. Yes, flung! Goodness! How strong is this wild woman?
"On the first day of reporting, teased Xiao Jin, got flung away, serves me right."
——Excerpt from "Yin Zheng'an's Work Record" Author unknown
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