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I thought I understood Shen Moxuan. I knew he valued loyalty and had a heart for his family and country. I had fought countless battles alongside him, standing shoulder to shoulder against our enemies, entrusting our lives to one another. There was a deep bond between us. I knew he held me in his heart, but I was unclear about what position I truly occupied in his life.
On the battlefield, I was a sharp sword. In private, I was his confidante. I was like a piece of unmarked rice paper, pure and flawless, as bright as the full moon. Si Yuqing, on the other hand, resembled an intricately detailed painting, beautifully exquisite and captivating.
Shen Moxuan was someone who appreciated such artwork. He would cherish Si Yuqing as one would treasure a masterpiece. And I was merely his sword. He wielded that sword to cut through thorns and ascend to the throne. By the time he held dominion over the world, he had laid down that sword. The blade stained with blood was no longer clean. He held me in his heart but could not let me go.
Liu Yu had watched over me for a long time. When I awoke, he gently held my hand, caressing the calluses on my palm. I felt a bit uncomfortable and withdrew my hand. Yet he smiled and brought over some sobering soup, stubbornly insisting on feeding it to me. I took a sip, and surprisingly, it tasted quite good.
Liu Yu's eyes lit up. "If Elder Sister likes it, I'll make it for you every day."
I finally began to understand why Shen Moxuan desired Si Yuqing.
Such a pure and clean soul, untouched by dust. Like a blank sheet of paper, waiting for him to create something beautiful. I have walked alongside him for ten years, three thousand six hundred days and nights. We have experienced too much together. Those past events, those killings, have left marks deep in my heart. I am no longer the Noble Daughter of the General I once was. My hands have also been stained with blood. My soul is already riddled with wounds.
Unlike Si Yuqing, she is as beautiful as a painting. And the beautiful scenery in that painting was personally crafted by Shen Moxuan. It is only natural that he cannot bear to part with it. I have come to understand that what Shen Moxuan cannot let go of are my countless scars or perhaps our shared past.
I settled in the Northern Region and rented a Courtyard. Though it has only three rooms, to me, it is a home I have regained after ten years. Liu Yu treats me very well, taking care of all my meals and gradually figuring out my preferences. In the past, I followed Shen Moxuan into battle, often going hungry. I had long forgotten what it felt like to be cared for with such attention and thoughtfulness.
Liu Yu feels like a gentle spring breeze to me, softly brushing by. Unlike Shen Moxuan, who is domineering and fierce, like an eagle soaring in the sky, looking down upon all living beings. Standing shoulder to shoulder with him feels like two sharp swords—brilliantly shining and unstoppable.
Shen Moxuan loves me with a hero's admiration for another hero. His love for Si Yuqing is that of a man for a woman.
Liu Yu's love for me is unconditional and wholly devoted. I am enamored by the warmth he gives me, yet I find it hard to forget Shen Moxuan. The love that cannot be attained is deeply etched in my heart.
On Liu Yu's birthday, he was heavily intoxicated and held my hand, his gaze hazy with drunkenness. "Elder Sister, I want to be with you for all eternity." I lowered my eyes and withdrew my hand. "Liu Yu, there is someone in my heart."
Liu Yu showed no signs of surprise; he looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Elder Sister, can you learn to love me?" I sighed, "I am four years older than you."
Liu Yu smiled, "Just four years; it’s nothing to worry about." I shook my head, "Four years is significant. You are still young, while I have grown old."
"Time for you will only be an accumulation of experiences; it won't make you seem old," Liu Yu said as he held my shoulder, his gaze intense. "Elder Sister, do you love me? Please?"
I looked at him, our eyes meeting. His gaze was clear and pure, like a spring of fresh water. I couldn't help but want to drown in it. But Shen Moxuan's face suddenly appeared in my mind. How could I easily let go of someone I had loved for ten years?
"Liu Yu, I'm afraid that..." I paused, "I might never be able to love you." I also feared that he might not love me enough.
Liu Yu smiled again and brushed my hair from my forehead. "I'm drunk, Elder Sister." I watched him stumble away, a dull ache forming in my heart.
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