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墨書 Inktalez
I asked him, "Are you still going to get married?"
He replied, "No marriage, how could I? If the bride is not Ashi, then I will never marry."
He lifted his head from my shoulder, his eyes full of sincerity, but there were no tears that should have flowed from crying just moments ago.
That bastard Duan Qinnan knows how to take advantage of my soft heart.
But in the end, we are separated by blood and gender, yet we are together.
I was eighteen that year, and Duan Qinnan was twenty-two.
The Pear Blossom bloomed exceptionally well that year.
In the end, he did not get married; as for how he broke off the engagement, he did not tell me, and I did not insist on knowing.
And so a long time passed.
Our interactions were one way in front of others and another behind closed doors.
In public, we acted like brothers with respect; in private, we were affectionate and intimate.
For years, no one noticed our unusual relationship.
When I was twenty-four years old, in the deep winter, the leaves of the pear tree in my yard had fallen, the Pear Blossom had withered, and the pears had been harvested cleanly, leaving only the bare branches of the Pear Blossom hanging on the trunk, stark and lonely.
It felt like a sign that something bad was about to happen.
Father achieved great victories in battle and was greatly appreciated by the people.
The current Your Majesty believed the words of treacherous officials and feared that Father had won the hearts of the people and might harbor rebellious intentions.
After Father returned from the border, he was summoned directly to the palace; the emperor sent eunuchs to convey that he would be staying briefly at the palace.
But who does not know that "briefly" meant house arrest?
I was furious with this Foolish Monarch and wanted to lead Father's soldiers into the palace to bring him out.
He would not allow me to do so; I asked him, "What should I do then? Should I let Father suffer humiliation at the hands of that Foolish Monarch?"
He fell silent for a moment and said, "Ashi is still young; she should not go there. I will go; Ashi wait for me to return."
I said, "No, I am the legitimate son; it should naturally be me who goes."
He replied, "I am the eldest son, your brother, and also your man—your future husband. Trust me; I will bring Father back."
I said, "No, you will be in danger if you go."
He replied, "But won't you be in danger if you go?"
I fell silent; in this situation, it was a perilous journey for anyone.
I said, "Anyway, you are not allowed to go. Let's not talk about this for now; let me think it over."
He responded, "Alright."
His voice was flat, tinged with reluctance. I should have noticed, but I didn't.
I pushed him onto a path of death with my own hands, and when he reached out to me, I ignored him.
That night, he came to my room drunk and unsteady.
He said nothing, just embraced me and then kissed me passionately.
There was deep affection, longing, and reluctance.
I felt something wet on my face; I wanted to see his expression, but the lights had just gone out, and the room was pitch black.
Was he crying?
Before I could think further, my head felt heavy and dazed, with only the sensation of his lips clear in my mind.
Soon, I lost consciousness.
When I woke up again, it was two days later, and I saw Father.
I grabbed Father's sleeve and anxiously asked, "Where is Brother?"
Father looked at me in silence; I knew that he was likely in grave danger now. My heart sank into despair.
I stood up and walked outside; Father pulled me back and asked, "What are you doing?"
I said, "I'm going to the palace to find him."
Father looked at me with disappointment and anger and said, "He is already dead. What are you going to do? Accompany him in death?"
Upon receiving the grim news, tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. I should have noticed his distress; if I had stopped him, how could he have died?
It was I who caused his death.
I said, "Father, why wasn't it me who died? Brother was so good—talented in both literature and martial arts—while I can't do anything right."
"Father said, 'You are the legitimate son of the General's residence, and he is the illegitimate son. He died for you, for the General's residence, and that is how he should die.'"
I glared at Father, not believing he would say such things.
In despair, I said, "I love him. I know he is my brother, but Father, I am now his person. I will only marry him in this life. If he dies, I will not live either. When I go underground, we will be together as husband and wife again."
Father slapped me and said, "You foolish child, such a preference for men cannot be publicly acknowledged. You two are brothers! How can you behave like this? It is simply disgraceful."
The side of my face that was hit burned with pain, but I felt as if the burden I had carried for so long had finally been lifted.
I said, "Just kill me. If you kill me, it will fulfill my wish to see him."
Father glanced at me and told his servants, "Keep an eye on the young master."
Then he said to me, "Stay here and reflect on your actions."
He pushed open the door and walked out.
Once Father left, I sat down heavily on the bed, staring blankly out the window where a withered Pear Blossom Branch was protruding.
Suddenly, I remembered what he had once told me: "Ashi, if one day I am no longer here, you must take care of yourself. Today I give you this half Pear Blossom Branch as a chance to remember me."
His voice had been serious yet playful at that moment.
I jumped up and went to find that half Pear Blossom Branch.
I recalled him saying, "I made this Pear Blossom Branch into a hairpin; it can be considered a token of our love."
At that time, I had rolled my eyes at him and said, "Hairpins are for giving to girls."
Though I said that, I kept that half Pear Blossom Branch carefully. Little did I expect that today his words would come true.
To remember someone through an object? But I have never been one to remember someone through an object; to miss someone means I must see them in person. Brother, brother Qinnan, I have disappointed you.
I can no longer remember him through an object; Ashi must go find you in person.
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