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How to have the ability to love and be loved.
墨書 Inktalez
Does Eternal love exist in the world? To me, this phrase seems like an idealistic fairy tale that young students use to self-hypnotize. Nevertheless, I still long for marriage, because in modern society, marriage is not only an institution that maintains social stability and combines the social relationships of two families, but also a permanent way for an individual to feel a sense of belonging, a hearth for two individuals to warm each other in this world.
When I first met her, it was during a period of my lack of success. After graduating from A university with a degree in sociology, I faced the dilemma that millions of graduates face - "employment". Initially, I delved into this "ocean" of knowledge because I liked sociology, but after entering university, I was neither interested in academic competitions nor did I participate in student clubs. It seemed like I did nothing throughout university, which made it difficult for me to pursue further studies or find employment later on.
However, choosing sociology has benefited me a lot. In the days to come, the imagination of sociology has made me look at the people and things around me with equanimity. I have gradually transformed from a person with internal conflicts to someone who is versatile. I know that in this individualistic society, when looking for a job, one must first consider what connections they have rather than what abilities they possess. So, I set aside everything and, relying on the relatively strong social connections at home, I obtained the opportunity to intern as a photographer at a prestigious newspaper. In the second month of the internship, I met her.
She was my fifth girlfriend, although she didn't really count as a girlfriend. We just liked each other. Perhaps she never really liked me, but for me, this brief time together was like an antidote that brought me back to life. So much so that in the life that followed without her, memories of her continued to linger in my mind, and every time I opened the door to my memories, they would flood back randomly and frequently.
I met her at a lively dinner party, which was a gathering for the employees of the Shenzhen Daily. Most of the people at the dinner were old employees of the newspaper, who were the life of the party. She just cast her smiling eyes towards the people talking. I noticed that she was different from others, as if she didn't know how to start eating the food on the table. She awkwardly picked up and put down her chopsticks, and finally picked up a peanut from the Cantonese and seafood dishes. I heard from a friend that she was from Sichuan and had just come to Shenzhen, so she wasn't used to the local cuisine. Due to my habit of studying sociology in the past, I like to observe people's behavior in unnoticed situations and speculate about their motives and psychological activities. She didn't participate in the discussions of the seniors, occasionally chatting with the people around her, but she probably wasn't very familiar with them. However, it was clear that she was enjoying the dinner party, perhaps because of the joy of joining the profession and wanting to integrate into the organization quickly, so she must really like her profession. During the meal, I observed her appearance. Her eyes were as lively as a deer's, her short chin looked very childish, and her head was small, tied up in what seemed like a casual bun. She was wearing a simple white Vans T-shirt, looking like a well-behaved girl.
The summer she came seemed like a cool breeze blowing into the valley.
Before her, I had four girlfriends. I found that although they were all different personalities before we fell in love, they all seemed the same and became boring and uninteresting after we fell in love. Love seems like a program - meet, flirt, love - the repetitive routine has made me confused and numb to the feeling of infatuation. Will it be the same with her? I wasn't sure at the time, but my principle was: since I like her, I should give it a try, there's no real cost to trying. So, after the party, I took the opportunity to talk to her.
"Do you take a taxi?" I asked tentatively.
"I'll just take the subway," she replied politely and distantly, still smiling but seeming difficult to approach.
"I also take the subway. Which line are you on?"
"I'm on Line 4, transferring to Line 5." There seemed to be a hint of joy in her eyes, or maybe I misjudged, but I felt that I was getting closer to her.
"I'm on Line 3, but we can go to the subway station together." I casually suggested.
"Okay," she said as she prepared to take out her phone to search for directions. I said there was no need, I knew the way, and I felt quite proud to lead the way.
American anthropologist Dr. Hall categorizes the social distance between people into four types: intimate distance (0-45 cm), personal distance (45-120 cm), social distance (120-360 cm), and public distance (360-750 cm). Perhaps due to professional reasons, I often pay attention to the social distance between us in the process of interacting with others. When I feel the other person getting a little closer, I can't help but praise my own charm in my heart.
I and her just started to maintain a polite distance. Under the camphor trees that are visible everywhere in Shenzhen, the scorching sun gets lost in the dense leaves, so the sunlight sprinkled on us shines as lively as stars.
"Are you also an intern at the newspaper?" I asked. She didn't look at me, only looking ahead at the road.
"Uh, I'm here for a summer internship as a reporter. How about you?"
"I've already graduated, and now I'm an intern photographer. I'll be a full-time employee in a month." I've been looking at her the whole time, but from my angle, I mostly see her hair and a small part of her profile. I guess she's about 158 cm tall.
"That's great," she said with a hint of envy. "I'll be going back to school in a month."
"How old are you?"
"I'll be a junior next semester."
"So that means you'll be interning in your sophomore year, that's impressive. When I think about the time I wasted in college, I really have to admire her for interning in Shenzhen."
"Hahaha, I almost always have to do internships during every vacation. I feel like I learn a lot more from actual work than from school." She looked up at me, said that, then turned her head back. I noticed that her smile was very sweet, and couldn't help but wonder if she always smiled like that, or if she was just happy because I had praised her.
"Indeed. Hey, where do you go to school?"
"In Tianjin. I won't say the name, it's not a very good school."
"It's okay, it doesn't affect the output of excellent talents." It seemed like I had touched on a sensitive topic for her, so I quickly changed the subject. "Yes, the school and the students are developing in their own ways," she said somewhat helplessly. "I noticed you didn't eat much just now, are you not used to it?" I changed the topic.
She seemed a little surprised by my attention, but quickly recovered and said, "Yes, a little. I'm from Chengdu and not used to eating non-spicy food. Also, I feel like eating seafood looks too ferocious, and I'm embarrassed to eat in front of so many unfamiliar people."
"Hahaha, look at Shenzhen people, we usually go out in shorts and slippers, we are very casual."
"Believe me, I will definitely adapt to the local customs before I leave." She looked up and smiled at me again.
We maintained a polite distance and chatted politely all the way. I quite like this slow pace, but I feel a bit lost about the uncertain future of our relationship. She remains distant, and I don't want to appear too enthusiastic. When we reached the subway station, I added her on WeChat under the pretext of convenient work communication between colleagues, and then we bid each other farewell.
In fact, this subway station is only one stop away from my home.
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