Book Synopsis
Book Tags
Donation Rankings
Comment
0 Comments
You May Also Like
墨書 Inktalez
I was stuck there, the answer was simple, right on the tip of my tongue. "I love this blue sky and white clouds, I love this beautiful nature, I want a peaceful life..." "No, you don't need to say it." Don't need to say it? Not forceful enough. "Really, I'm feeling a bit world-weary. I feel like I'm not good enough - not living up to my expectations." "No, don't say it..." "Why shouldn't I say it? You don't believe me!" "You don't need to say it." He remained calm, not angry. I was about to play my trump card. "I know who I am, damn it, I don't need you to tell me!" I was angry. He fell silent. Indeed, there was no answer. The only thing I can control and violate is my own heart. My background can be investigated at will - as long as the level is higher than mine - that's why I don't want to store memories; even a word I say in my sleep could be known by others - as long as the level is higher than mine. Silence. I took a deep breath, twitched my mouth, and said cheerfully, "It's getting late, let's go back." With that, I started walking back. Unlike when we came, this time I walked ahead with cheerful steps, looking up. Be more confident, don't appear childish. Don't cry, don't be sad. Your heart won't be able to take it. Listening carefully, I couldn't hear footsteps. I stopped and turned around. He was still looking at me, his gaze deep, like the shadows behind him, his expression vague, like the inscrutable moonlight. I smiled again, raised my voice and said, "Hurry up, let's go home!" He caught up, and we walked back home side by side. Only the moonlight remained in this small grove.
Three days passed, then another week. I've been thinking about that question all along. - Do you have something you love? Do I have something I love? I know I have things to pass the time, things that will make me regret when I come to my senses. If these things could satisfy my fantasies, wouldn't I waste so much time, not learning anything, to the point of losing so much, even losing the ability to protect my cousin? I know I'm a good person, I know my heart has not compromised with this world, I know I'm different. I even know I don't belong in this world. When I first came to this world, everything delighted me. But as time passed, the problems gradually emerged. I am so foolish, even though I was at the top in my original world, compared to these people, I am still so foolish. I can't experience happiness. And I know clearly that the world I am in is not enough, but I can only be in it, repeatedly being embarrassed and suffering for things I don't care about. My reason is torn apart by them, and I can only numb myself. Sometimes I even doubt myself, wondering if I'm making excuses because I can't adapt, or if I really see the forefront of the times. I don't know if there's any other way for me to survive besides this method. But I still can't have it all. Should I refuse to indulge in useless things and find what I truly love? Would my life then be complete, instead of fragmented? I long for change, but I can't change everything. Even the changes in me are often hindered. Why? Why can't I accept what this society gives me, why can't I live along with the times? Why not listen to my parents? Why rebel? Why can't my heart be at peace? I even detest that I can't be a person with a calm heart, unable to endure patiently. The more I boast, the more I see the emptiness and hypocrisy in my heart. I think I might die because of this. Because one day, I might be killed for not completing a task after boasting about it. Or because of excessive self-promotion, excessive belittling of others, and finally unable to bear the loneliness, I jump off a cliff. Or because I can't bear the gap between reality and fantasy, I commit suicide. I can't bear the pain, but I blindly believe that I can bear the loneliness. My reason tells me to follow the true rules, to surpass the times; but my pride can't stand the loss of honor that comes with it, can't stand that I can't affirm myself according to the standards. I can only feel the peace in my heart. But what persuasive power does that have for others? What use is it? So I won't tell anyone. So I'm willing to bear it alone. So I want to dedicate my life to it. So I know what I truly love and what truly suits me, even if I can't accept it now. Others' ridicule, disbelief, lack of understanding, distance, are just external things. My heart belongs entirely to me. I absolutely won't allow anyone or anything to harm it again. So, in the end, I might grow old alone. My damn heart might explode one day. That wouldn't be so bad.
You damn ask me if I have something I love? How naive and false can you be? A person so deeply immersed and successful in the world asks me this? Falsely seeking new happiness, temporarily satisfying your own curiosity. I don't think I'm wrong, I just haven't been tested in practice. This is my path, since it's already open, why hesitate at the crossroads? The funniest thing is how seriously I'm considering this question.
Comment 0 Comment Count