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墨書 Inktalez
The great philosopher Plato coined the term "Spiritual Love," which gained immense popularity in China during the 1980s as Western philosophy surged into the country. Many young people eagerly discussed and emulated this concept. After careful examination of the four labels that later generations attached to it, I found that I fit several of them: first, the idealistic view of love; second, a love that is purely spiritual rather than physical; third, a view of love based on equality between both parties; and fourth, the notion that every individual has a perfect spiritual beloved, and there is only one.
Just as most people tend to equate the first two scenarios with Spiritual Love, I spent a long time intentionally or unintentionally exploring my feelings. I could even say that spiritually, I was a precocious lecher, while physically, I was a desireless saint.
My vague feelings for the opposite sex can be traced back to elementary school. I previously wrote an essay titled "The Budding of Sexuality," which aligns perfectly with Plato's first label. The object of my affection was the most ideal choice available at the time—though the world felt small, she was undoubtedly the closest to my ideal among my female classmates: beautiful and academically accomplished. This choice, in some sense, also touched upon the fourth label; relative perfection was indeed an element that attracted me in a mysterious way. As for the second label, it was almost entirely contrary to my experience. When I could no longer resist the subtle allure of her fragrance and attempted to embrace "her," I discovered that "she" was actually another "her."
My middle school experience can be divided into two phases: one during New Year's Day at Stove Middle School and the other during the Second and Third Days of the Lunar New Year at Garden Middle School. Looking back now, I realize I was like a starving wolf, having opened two curtains of Spiritual Love during this time. Aligning with Plato's first and fourth labels, my choices mirrored those from elementary school—ideal and perfect selections. However, in comparing with the second label, it seemed I had stepped outside Plato's framework; aside from seeking spiritual pleasure, I attempted to pursue some physical enjoyment. Yet due to traditional education and societal restrictions, at most I could only engage in silent gazes and quiet pursuits, imprinting her rosy cheeks, dark clear eyes, and lively legs onto my heart, quickening my pulse—especially in front of parents, teachers, and classmates where I had to feign an air of respectful distance.
Entering high school marked my first real separation from my parents. Teachers no longer strictly managed every moment of my time and space, allowing my Spiritual Love to find fertile ground for growth. Ironically or perhaps as an annotation, when confronted with Plato's fourth label—when my heart gradually solidified around that perfect ideal—I realized that within just a few short years, I had changed so many "uniques." Was I truly pursuing a Platonic love or merely seeking excitement in my monotonous student life?
Fortunately, throughout high school, she was so perfect—so irreplaceable and unshakeable in both academics and appearance in my eyes. She was also so close; from the very first day of school, she quietly etched herself into my heart and unknowingly began to grow within me. Even in the Arts and Sciences Division, we remained together! With this connection established, I had no reason to change objects of affection; I could only carry out this Spiritual Love passionately yet quietly.
Deep down, I've always been a "big man," which made me scoff at Plato's third label. Influenced by Earthwalker Sun from Investiture of the Gods, a voice echoed in my young heart: women are merely men's subordinates; what need is there for equality? Yet when facing her, an overwhelming sense of admiration pressed down on me, causing my inner big man's bones to creak under pressure; what troubled me further was that she never displayed any oppressive demeanor towards me. Instead, she often smiled gently like a neighborly older sister, leaving me feeling both connected yet deprived of nourishment for my big man tendencies.
Of course, the environment of the 1980s led me to regard the content of the second label as foundational for Spiritual Love. I never truly considered merging spirit with flesh in this romance—even though we were often close enough for hand-holding or even embracing opportunities—but in reality, we had to maintain our façade as exemplary students of "nobility" and "obedience." At times I felt compelled to display dominance as a big man or even deliberately oppose her!
However, Plato was ultimately an ancient Westerner; how could he understand my feelings? Moreover, at that time I had not genuinely engaged with his theory of Spiritual Love—the authentic Marxist Philosophy was our focus for college entrance exams while The Republic and Metaphysics were subjects for critique! My imaginative nature led me to step outside the realm of Spiritual Love early on; I longed for a day when this Spiritual Love could ascend to higher levels!
For a period of time, my heart burned with desire; I couldn't bear to take my eyes off her figure—not that silent observation would affect her or me negatively. Yet inside me stirred emotions that pushed aside all thoughts about mathematics or politics; fluctuations in grades went unnoticed by teachers but were keenly felt by me.
Sitting just a foot away from her felt both incredibly close yet painfully distant—was this truly the essence of Spiritual Love?
I wanted to escape; I didn't want to play this game anymore!
I melted two characters—“ love” and “absolute” —from white candle wax into my desk drawer. Those who didn’t know would only see one character; yet I realized that even I could only see one.
I proactively requested a seat change—moving back three rows then shifting to the edge—to distance myself from that vortex of outstanding students. Yet still, my gaze and heart stubbornly lingered in that place.
Is this what Spiritual Love is?!
When will my Spiritual Love reach its conclusion?!
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