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墨書 Inktalez
I was preparing dinner, waiting for him to come back, when I received a message from him:
"Anan, I have to entertain a client tonight and won't be able to come back to have dinner with you. If you don't want to cook, just order takeout. I'll try to come back early to keep you company."
The next message was a red envelope of two hundred yuan, with the cover saying, "Make sure to eat well even if you're alone."
I didn't accept the red envelope; I simply replied, "Just remember not to drink too much. Your stomach isn't good."
Unfortunately.
He still drank, and he drank a lot.
He promised to come back early to keep me company, but he stumbled in at dawn, completely drunk and immediately vomited all over the floor.
"How could you get this drunk?"
"Anan, I'm sorry for coming back late..."
Even though he could barely stand, his first words were an apology.
I helped him to the bedroom and laid him down, stripping off his dirty clothes and tossing them directly into the washing machine. Then I went to the entrance to clean up the mess.
Looking at the disgusting mess on the floor, my heart sank deeper with each passing moment.
Xinchuan had always been someone who knew how to hold himself together. No matter how important the client was, he never let himself get drunk at the table, fearing he would lose face in front of others.
But today...
Who could make him drink like this?
Thinking back to the identical ringtone from the two phone calls at noon, I felt a sudden emptiness inside me, as if a hole had opened up that couldn't be filled.
I held back my tears and scrubbed the carpet desperately, using this ridiculous method to vent my heart full of grievances and unwillingness.
I couldn't understand why, after investing seven years of my feelings, I still couldn't compare to her fleeting smile...
"Ding ding—"
Suddenly, the washing machine beeped twice, interrupting my thoughts.
Malfunction alert.
I set aside what I was doing and opened the washing machine, pulling out one by one the clothes stained with his vomit that hadn’t been cleaned properly, checking for the cause of the Malfunction.
A small white bottle was blocking the drainage.
Frustration washed over me as I habitually scolded myself for being careless and not checking the pockets before doing laundry.
But as that thought lingered for a moment, I realized how ridiculous I was being.
I was practically wearing a green hat and still rushing to play the caretaker.
I ignored those stinky clothes and simply picked up the small bottle that was causing the blockage.
I glanced over and realized it looked like a medicine bottle.
The label on the bottle was worn and faded from being tossed around in the washing machine, making many of the words unreadable. I could vaguely make out the words "Sedative," "Prescription," and "Central."
I found it strange.
During this time, neither Xinchuan nor I had been sick, so why did he carry a bottle of medicine with him?
Moreover, people who take medication usually shouldn't drink alcohol, yet he had been drinking heavily today.
So, who was this medicine really for?
I poured out a few pills from the bottle and sniffed them.
The water-soaked pills had a faint bitter smell. A chill ran down my spine.
The taste of this medicine was exactly the same as that strange flavor in the glass of water I drank just before going to bed yesterday!
As the saying goes,
If you're sick, take medicine to get better; if you're not sick, taking medicine can be deadly.
What was he trying to do? Was he trying to take my life?
I lost all motivation to clean up and sat on the sofa, staring blankly at the small bottle in my hand.
My mind was a chaotic mess, and I couldn't sort through anything.
I really wanted to rush in and confront Xinchuan, but that thought was quickly dismissed.
What could a single bottle of medicine prove?
If I dragged him into an argument without any evidence, it would only show that I was an unreasonable shrew, and it would be utterly meaningless.
I struggled to calm myself down, refusing to let anger cloud my judgment.
I reassured myself. Perhaps it was all just a misunderstanding.
The music I heard on the phone during the day might have been a coincidence; it didn't necessarily mean they had met.
Moreover, I had mentioned to Xinchuan a few days ago that I had been having trouble sleeping lately. Maybe he simply bought that medicine to help me sleep.
Yes.
I couldn't let my thoughts run wild; I should choose to trust Xinchuan.
After all, we were married.
In a marriage, the most important thing is trust...
I repeated this to myself over and over until my emotions finally settled down.
I carefully put away the small vial, planning to wait until tomorrow when Xinchuan wakes up to ask him what it really is.
At that moment, I noticed Xinchuan's phone still sitting on the cabinet by the entrance.
Worried that he might not hear his alarm in the morning, I took his phone to charge it by the bedside, but accidentally brushed against the fingerprint unlock area.
His phone had my fingerprint saved on it.
The screen lit up—
"I’m home. Thanks for chatting with me so much today. Next time, it’s my treat for drinks."
A message received half an hour ago.
At that time, Xinchuan had just come in, completely drunk and out of it.
The sender was saved as "Zhang Yunxin."
Seeing that name made me realize that the relationship I had worked so hard to maintain for seven years was truly over...
The entire night, I sat beside the sleeping Xinchuan, unable to close my eyes.
With dark circles under my eyes, I spent the night drafting a divorce agreement, just waiting for him to wake up and sign it.
However, ten minutes before his alarm went off, I frantically tore up the divorce agreement and stuffed it into the trash can.
I couldn't bear to let go.
I wandered around the house like a lost soul, looking at every tile on the floor and each potted plant by the window. Everything in this home was carefully arranged by him and me, piece by piece.
And now, Zhang Yunxin had returned to disrupt the peaceful life I had worked so hard to maintain.
It wasn't fair.
Moreover, what exactly was in that medicine bottle? What about the blood-stained shirt hidden in the top cabinet? Did my mother's car accident have anything to do with Xinchuan?
I needed to clarify all these questions one by one.
I couldn't allow my marriage, which I had nurtured so carefully for so long, to end without understanding.
After Xinchuan left for work, I took the medicine bottle to the hospital.
The label read "Prescription Medication," and I knew the pharmacy wouldn't sell it to me easily.
I told the doctor that I accidentally tossed the medication into the washing machine and asked him to prescribe me another bottle.
The doctor examined the bottle for a long time, then looked at me warily and asked whose medication it was.
I thought for a moment and replied, "My mom's. She's getting older and can't sleep well, suffering from insomnia night after night; she needs medication."
"Young lady, tell me the truth. This is not an ordinary sleeping pill; taking too much can lead to serious consequences."
The doctor looked at me with a serious expression, and in one sentence, he shattered all my rational thoughts.
It turned out that the words I had comforted myself with yesterday were nothing but a sad joke. The feelings I had devoted to Xinchuan over the years had ultimately been met with his indifference...
After leaving the hospital, I wandered aimlessly down the street, unsure of where to go now.
In the past, home was the only place where I could find a sense of security, but now that home brought me nothing but fear and unbearable memories.
Before I knew it, I had crossed through the bustling square, my steps halting at the entrance of the police station.
I clutched the bottle of medicine in my hand, even contemplating whether to just walk in and report it.
But how could the police possibly believe what I said based solely on this bottle of medicine...?
Just as I was feeling lost, I received a call from Xinchuan.
"Anan, are you out yet?"
"I'm at the publishing house for a meeting."
"What time will you be back? I bought a lot of seafood and I'm going to make you a big meal this afternoon."
"Don't you have to work today?"
"I took a day off. I accidentally drank too much yesterday; thank you for taking care of me. Today I'll make it up to you. By the way, I also got you a gift."
"What gift?"
"You'll know when you come back."
A phone call from Xinchuan left me feeling a bit dazed.
It felt as if everything that had happened in the past few days was just a nightmare I had been having. Upon waking, nothing had really changed; we were still as good as before.
However, the medicine bottle in my hand reminded me that this was not a dream.
I couldn't deceive myself; we could never return to the past.
All I could do was keep moving forward.
When I got home, a table full of delicious dishes awaited me.
But I could no longer find that sense of warmth I used to feel; instead, I felt a heightened sense of vigilance towards the food.
I wondered if he had also drugged these dishes.
Throughout the meal, I kept my eyes on his chopsticks. Whatever he picked up, I would take as well; if he hadn't touched a dish, I didn't dare to put it in my mouth.
But perhaps I was overthinking it. He had quite an appetite today and finished off all the leftovers I had left behind.
I barely touched my chopsticks and casually asked him while we were eating, "Why did you drink so much yesterday? Who were you out socializing with?"
"I mentioned to you last time about Hua An and that President Song. He brought a few bottles of wine, claiming it was a local specialty, insisting that I try it. It was my first time drinking, and I had no idea the alcohol would hit me so hard."
"Oh."
"Are you upset?" Xinchuan noticed my change in mood and immediately put down his chopsticks to comfort me. "I'm sorry! I know I promised you I wouldn't drink so much. This time it was my fault; I'll definitely be more careful in the future. Since I brought a gift to apologize, will you forgive me?"
"You still haven't told me what you bought."
"Wait a moment, I'll go get it."
Xinchuan returned from the room with a beautifully wrapped gift box and handed it to me to unwrap.
Although I had long since lost any expectations for this gift, I still put on a surprised expression, not wanting him to see through me.
Inside the box were a pair of sneakers.
They were the style I had been wanting for a long time but could never find in the country. I had mentioned them to Xinchuan before, but I never expected he would actually remember.
At the sight of the gift, I couldn't help but feel tears welling up in my eyes.
Seeing my almost-crying face, Xinchuan smiled and gently patted my head. "Is it really that touching?"
I pressed my lips together and didn't answer.
I didn't know how to tell him that my urge to cry wasn't from being touched, but rather from how unfamiliar it felt to see him going through such lengths to deceive me.
That evening, Xinchuan prepared honey water for me as usual.
I didn't drink it; instead, while he was taking a shower, I poured it out.
That night, I couldn't sleep at all. My mind was filled with the memories of the past seven years with Xinchuan.
To think, I first got to know Xinchuan because my roommate insisted that I ship him with Zhang Yunxin.
Once you start, it's hard to turn back; the more I got into it, the deeper I fell.
In college, he was an Academic Genius who received scholarships left and right, while she was the campus beauty bombarded with calls from talent scouts.
This combination of talent and beauty felt like a scene straight out of a drama. It was as if they were the prince and princess from a Fairy Tale or the Jade Emperor and Queen Mother from mythology—what kind of monster would dare not to acknowledge their perfect match?
When my roommate told me their story, she excitedly slapped her thigh, spitting everywhere in her enthusiasm.
"Xinchuan and Zhang Yunxin have known each other since high school! Their relationship was a huge topic on the Forum! They promised each other that as long as they could get into the same university, they would be together. Xinchuan was supposed to be the Top Scorer that year but gave up his chance to study abroad just for Zhang Yunxin and enrolled in our school instead!"
"A guy can be so love-struck?"
"You don’t get it! This is called being infatuated!"
"Isn't that just being love-struck?"
After hearing their story, my thigh was sore from my roommate's enthusiastic slapping.
At that time, my impression of Xinchuan was that he was hopelessly love-struck, destined to be cheated on sooner or later.
Not long after, another event confirmed my thoughts.
Xinchuan and Zhang Yunxin were both a year ahead of me, right at the point where they needed to go out for internships.
There was a company, reportedly one of the top firms in the world, coming to our school to recruit, but there was only one position available. Among the hundreds of students interviewed, the recruiter took a liking to the two of them.
Unsurprisingly, Xinchuan gave the position to Zhang Yunxin.
This hopeless romantic.
This clichéd and melodramatic plot.
The day after she received the offer, Zhang Yunxin joyfully took off on a flight to Beautiful Country with Xinchuan helping her pack her things.
It was said that day someone saw Xinchuan alone on the basketball court for an entire afternoon, leaving only when the lights went out.
My roommate described it to me like this: "Sigh, our idol walked for a long time down the path where he used to escort Zhang Yunxin back to her dorm, holding a basketball. That lonely figure was truly heart-wrenching! I almost wanted to go comfort him!"
"Then why didn't you?"
"Well, I wasn't wearing any makeup that day; I was afraid I'd scare him."
"Thanks for sparing him."
In short, Zhang Yunxin just left Xinchuan behind and went abroad without looking back.
At first, people continued to discuss their relationship on the campus forum, but eventually, as there was no more sweet gossip to be found, everyone's attention shifted away from them.
No one knew whether they had broken up or were struggling to maintain a long-distance relationship.
Years later, after graduation, an old roommate who I hadn’t been in touch with suddenly sent me a screenshot of a social media post.
It was Zhang Yunxin's wedding photo. The groom was a muscular man with blonde hair and blue eyes, completely different in style from Xinchuan.
My roommate lamented on WeChat about how her beloved couple had ultimately ended in heartbreak.
I glanced at Xinchuan lying beside me and jokingly said, "Don't be too sad. If she doesn't want you, I'll take over."
Three days later, on my birthday, Xinchuan proposed to me.
I happily became the "backup."
At that moment, looking at the man holding the diamond ring in front of me, I was so excited I could have jumped three feet high. Now that I think about it, he clearly knew he had no chance with Zhang Yunxin anymore, which is why he settled for me.
Later, I asked Xinchuan if he regretted giving that internship opportunity to Zhang Yunxin. Without hesitation, he shook his head.
Then he added, "If I regret anything, it's that I didn't go abroad sooner after the college entrance exam."
"Oh."
I didn't dare to ask why.
Maybe it was because he thought it wasn't worth it for her.
Or perhaps it was simply because if he had gone abroad earlier, they wouldn't have had to be separated later.
I rarely talked to Xinchuan about Zhang Yunxin.
The truth is, I always felt insecure.
After all, when it came to looks, figure, talent, and knowledge, I couldn't compare to her in any way.
I also didn't understand why Xinchuan would have been interested in me back then.
Thinking back, he might have just wanted someone to play basketball and video games with him.
Yes.
I met Xinchuan on the basketball court.
After Zhang Yunxin left, he chose not to look for other internship opportunities but stayed at school to prepare for his graduate exams.
On a scorching afternoon in July or August, the court was hot enough to fry an egg. Any sane person wouldn't rush out to play basketball in such weather.
But my mind wasn't quite clear, and neither was Xinchuan's.
The day I went, he was already playing alone. I casually picked up a ball for him, and he smiled, revealing two little tiger teeth, asking me, "Want to join?"
In the sunlight, his tall and slender figure was surrounded by a golden halo, making me feel a bit dazed.
Who could refuse such a scene straight out of a romantic drama?
Certainly not me.
After that game, we exchanged contact information and agreed to play together again next time.
From that day on, I got to know a completely different Xinchuan than the one my roommate described.
He wasn't the studious top student who spent every day in the library; instead, he was a gaming addict who stayed up all night and slept until noon the next day. He wasn't the refined, ethereal boy in a white shirt; he was the funny guy who would burp loudly after drinking ice-cold cola post-game.
Whenever I mentioned Xinchuan's various contrasts to my roommate, she would always scoff at me dismissively.
"He sees you as a buddy, so of course he doesn't care about his image in front of you. Just look at how he acts around Zhang Yunxin."
"Being all stiff together every day must be uncomfortable."
"You don't get it! That's called love!"
Oh, so it turns out there was no love between Xinchuan and me.
That was when I first realized that I might have developed feelings for Xinchuan.
When I heard my roommate say he only considered me a brother, I felt a tightness in my chest. I wanted to argue back, but the words just wouldn't come out.
I was unwilling to settle for just being "brothers" with him.
So the next day, when I went to play basketball with Xinchuan, I tried to subtly ask him, "Doesn't your girlfriend get mad that you hang out with me all the time?"
"You mean Zhang Yunxin?"
Xinchuan smiled at me, and that expression made me feel like a complete fool.
Then he pulled out his phone and showed me a photo that Zhang Yunxin had posted on Instagram. She was in a revealing swimsuit, kissing a brown-haired French man by the beach.
Not the blonde-haired, blue-eyed guy from their wedding photos later on.
It turned out that Xinchuan and Zhang Yunxin had broken up long before we ever played basketball together for the first time.
He had been dumped.
As for whether he had received a green hat as a souvenir, I didn't dare to ask.
Knowing he was single made me bolder. I often teased him, saying, "You spend all your time either studying or playing video games. The only time you go out is to play basketball with me. Be careful; I might block your chances with girls and keep you from getting a girlfriend."
"Then you should just get me a girlfriend," he replied.
"Forget it; I'm still single too. If it comes down to it, I might as well just settle for you."
"Sure."
Xinchuan has always played along with my jokes.
But even so, I never dared to take his playful words seriously, nor could I bring myself to tell him that I genuinely liked him, not just settling for him.
I was afraid that if we broke through this barrier, we might not even be able to remain "brothers."
We continued to navigate this ambiguous relationship, from school to work, and before we knew it, several years had passed.
During this time, he devoted himself entirely to his career and never once dated anyone.
Sometimes, I would invite him to play basketball and wait for him outside his office after work. His colleagues saw me often enough that they started spreading rumors that I was his girlfriend. He never bothered to clarify.
Eventually, my family noticed that I was approaching my thirtieth birthday and became anxious, urging me to get married.
I was anxious too.
After waiting all these years, I still hadn't seen any resolution between Xinchuan and me.
I truly felt unwilling to accept this.
So, I finally mustered the courage to invite him out for dinner, planning to confess my feelings.
After hiding my thoughts for so many years, even if I tossed them into the water, they should at least make a splash.
On the day I confessed, I made a special effort to dress up and even got my hair styled.
When he saw me in a rare sexy dress, his eyebrows shot up. "Who are you, beautiful?"
"Your Daddy."
"Oh, I thought it wasn't really you."
The carefully crafted atmosphere and the mental preparation I had worked so hard on crumbled in just a couple of sentences. The confession I had rehearsed went unused until we finished our meal.
I felt defeated, realizing that with the way we interacted, the title of "brother" might never come off.
After dinner, Xinchuan offered to take me home.
When we reached the ground floor, I mustered the courage to ask if he wanted to come upstairs for a drink.
I thought that a little alcohol would give me the courage to go all in and face whatever happened next.
But I never expected that the evening would turn into a spark igniting dry kindling.
From that day on, our relationship finally took a step forward.
We did everything couples were supposed to do.
Yet, I still couldn't figure out if we truly counted as a couple.
I always thought that being together should start with a bouquet of flowers and a formal confession of love.
But Xinchuan neither sent me flowers nor confessed his feelings.
He acted like a devoted boyfriend, caring for me, accompanying me on dates, and taking me to Wushan.
Yet, he never said he loved me.
The only time I heard him say "I love you" was at our wedding.
Xinchuan delivered his heartfelt confession like a programmed robot following a set routine, as arranged by the officiant.
That day, I smiled so widely my face almost hurt.
The man I had liked for so many years was finally mine. If I didn't smile then, when would I?
After getting married, I considered myself a competent wife, and Xinchuan became the kind of good husband that others would search high and low for.
I always believed that our life together was simple yet fulfilling. I enjoyed it, and so did he.
We shared the same hobbies and had a small circle of friends.
Although we occasionally quarreled over trivial matters, he would always soften and come to comfort me right away.
In front of others, he treated me with utmost respect and care.
In the eyes of our mutual friends, he was simply the model husband.
Under the influence of this daily brainwashing, I once believed I was the happiest woman in the world, without a doubt.
I had never thought that the relationship between us, which I once firmly believed to be unbreakable, was actually just a fragile lie, as delicate as a bubble.
If Zhang Yunxin wanted to, with just a gentle poke of his finger, he could destroy everything that mattered most in my life.
The next day, I visited my mother at the nursing home.
After an unpleasant divorce from my father years ago, my mother's mental state had never been very good; she had been living in the nursing home for the past few years.
When I entered the room, I saw my mother sitting by the window, knitting a sweater.
It was a child's design.
Upon seeing me, she smiled happily and pulled me to sit beside her. "Daughter, you're here! Come quickly and see if this sweater's color is nice. Do you think my Grandson will like it?"
"Yes, it looks nice."
I nodded in response, but inside I felt a pang of discomfort.
Despite being married to Xinchuan for so long, we had no children; this issue had always been a thorn in my heart that I couldn't remove.
But I knew my mother didn't mean to touch on my sensitive feelings. She was simply getting older and showing signs of dementia.
I poured a glass of water for my mother and set aside the sweater she had been holding.
After a moment of hesitation, I carefully asked her, "Mom, if I want to break up with Xinchuan, would you support me?"
"Break up? Why would you want to do that?" My mother sounded very anxious upon hearing this. "Daughter, tell me, did he do something to hurt you?"
"He... didn't."
"Daughter, you mustn't lie to your mother. Sigh, I've known for a long time that there are no good men in this world! Men are all deceitful liars! Remember what I say: never trust men! Don't end up like me, deceived without even realizing it, and ending up in this situation..."
Ever since her divorce from Dad, my mother had always repeated these words to me.
In the past, when I heard her say these things, I thought it was just the deep hurt Dad had caused her that made her feel this way.
But now I truly believed that old saying.
Ignoring the advice of the elders leads to suffering in the present.
My mother was right.
All men in this world are liars.
I stayed to have dinner with her.
My mother kept thinking about what I had just said.
After a while, she brought the topic back, gently asking me, "Daughter, is it true that you and Xinchuan have conflicts because of the child?"
"That's not the reason," I replied, then thought for a moment before changing my words. "Mom, Xinchuan and I don’t have any conflicts. I was just saying that casually; don’t think too much about it."
"Well, even if you don't say it, I know. Matters concerning children are not trivial. If only I could have given your father a son back then, perhaps he wouldn't have ended up with that woman..."
"Mom, you can't think like that. It's not your fault."
"Daughter, if only you were a boy. If only you were a boy, we wouldn’t have to suffer like this."
Mom sank into her own thoughts again, no longer listening to what I had to say.
Over the years, she had always been like this—talking and then drifting off into her own world, lamenting why I wasn’t a boy.
But it wasn’t her fault.
And it certainly wasn’t mine.
Listening to her repeat herself over and over again, I lost my appetite and quietly set down my bowl and chopsticks before leaving the sanatorium.
I walked alone on the street, the early winter wind blowing in with a biting chill.
But I didn’t want to take a car back; I hoped this cold wind would help clear my mind.
As I walked, I passed by a café.
I originally intended to go in and buy a cup of hot coffee to warm myself up, but I noticed a familiar car parked at the entrance.
Upon closer inspection of the license plate.
It was unmistakable.
That was Xinchuan's car.
At this time, it was their company's lunch break. Xinchuan usually ate lunch nearby and then took a short nap in the office.
But this place was at least ten kilometers away from their company.
Why would he come here?
Suddenly, I recalled the sound of a coffee cup I heard when I called him last time, and an uneasy premonition surged within me...
I quickly changed into a new outfit at the neighboring Clothing Store.
A loose hoodie and a mask covered me completely.
As I walked into the café, among the comings and goings of customers, I spotted Xinchuan at once.
And sitting across from him was indeed Zhang Yunxin.
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