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墨書 Inktalez
The next day, Jiang Wen took a flight back, marking the third time this month.
Feng Ning asked her teacher for a leave of absence.
She accompanied Jiang Wen for a meal. Quietly, she watched him, as if contemplating how to phrase her thoughts. "You should focus on what you need to do and not waste your time coming back to find me."
He looked at her. "I know what I should do."
"Please don't put all your energy into me, okay?" Feng Ning sighed. "I'm struggling with my studies right now. I can't guarantee that I'll get into the same school as you, but I'll do my best. Let's stop arguing all the time."
Jiang Wen sensed her impatience. "All I want is for you to reply to my messages. Is that so difficult?"
"I'm sorry," Feng Ning explained with some difficulty. "I don't check my phone much."
Jiang Wen had never liked anyone this much before, nor had he experienced a long-distance relationship. It felt like walking down a road that suddenly lost its direction. He couldn't handle Feng Ning's sudden coldness; his breath became uneven. "Why do I feel like I'm optional to you? There's no equality between us. It seems like I'm the only one considering our future; you don't care at all, do you?"
"I really don't have the time to think about these things," Feng Ning managed to control her rising emotions. "I appreciate how good you've been to me, and I don't want to hurt you. But that doesn't mean you can morally coerce me."
"What... morally coerce?"
"What you're saying right now feels like moral coercion."
The phrase "moral coercion" hit Jiang Wen like a bucket of gasoline poured over a fire, igniting an even greater flame of frustration within him, mixed with an indescribable sense of grievance.
"I just want to see you, want to call you, want us to attend the same university. Is that moral coercion in your eyes?"
The oppressive atmosphere flowed silently between them.
Feng Ning felt a suffocating sense of exhaustion as she stared into Jiang Wen's eyes. "Right now, it feels like a burden to me. I'm really tired."
Jiang Wen didn't expect her to say that. In an instant, anger surged within him, and pain was evident in his eyes. "You don't like me?"
"No, I like you."
He knew it wasn't the right time to continue the conversation, yet he lost control. "But I can't feel anything at all."
Feng Ning lightly replied, a bit confused herself, "Maybe I don't love you enough? I'm sorry."
"What do you mean?"
"I like the stars, I like the moon, I like the sun. I like many things, but none of them make me cry, including you."
"Jiang Wen, I like you, but I don't love you," she said. "So please don't have such high expectations of me, okay?"
He had a thousand words to say, all of which were silenced by her single declaration of not loving him. It was as if something had been suddenly uncovered; Jiang Wen finally realized that from the beginning until now, this had all been a one-man show.
She watched coldly while he was too engrossed in his performance.
"Our situation is exhausting for both of us. I feel like I can't reciprocate your feelings equally. You're off balance in your heart, and I'm getting more and more tired."
Feng Ning suggested, "How about we take a break for a while? Let's both calm down."
Jiang Wen stood there half-stunned, unsure how to respond. He remained silent for a long time.
"I'm sorry; it's my personality that's not great."
Jiang Wen's voice was strained. "I didn't realize that my behavior was making you so tired. Before, I was too willful; I'll change in the future."
"Don't say that, Jiang Wen."
Feng Ning wanted to continue speaking but was interrupted by him. "I don't want to break up, even if you..." he struggled to say, "even if you don't love me, it doesn't matter."
Feng Ning didn't know what to feel. She looked at him and remained silent for a long time.
Finally, she said, "Alright, I can."
Jiang Wen began to reduce the frequency of his calls and texts to her. The next time they met was two months later.
A couple of days before New Year's Day, Jiang Wen flew back to South City.
He sat on a bench at the bus stop at the entrance of Rain River Alley, spending the entire afternoon there, waiting for Feng Ning to come home from school.
The sky gradually darkened, and the orange sunset blurred into a large mass. Feng Ning walked by with her head down, not looking at the road ahead, moving slowly.
Just as he was about to call out a word, Shuang Yao suddenly dashed out from the alley and hugged Feng Ning tightly.
A road separated them, with cars weaving between them.
Feng Ning let Shuang Yao embrace her, resting her head on her shoulder and laughing joyfully.
It was a smile that Jiang Wen hadn't seen in a long time—genuine, joyful, and relaxed.
She seemed to have not been this happy for quite some time.
He stood still, pulling his suitcase behind him.
...
...
At around seven or eight in the evening, after finishing an assignment, Feng Ning suddenly remembered that tomorrow was New Year's Eve. She took out her phone and sent a message to Jiang Wen:
- What are you doing?
Their last conversation was the day before yesterday, when Jiang Wen sent her a goodnight message, and she replied with a moon emoji. The distance between them had become increasingly apparent.
After all, this seemed to be the norm; any enthusiasm would gradually fade away with distance and time.
Jiang Wen: "Are you done with your work?"
Feng Ning stared at those few words for a long time. His cautiousness made her feel a bit guilty. She put down her pen and thought about how to respond.
- "Nothing much, do you want to video call?"
He replied quickly: "Then come downstairs, I'm at your front door."
Feng Ning felt a bit taken aback. She casually threw on a jacket, sat down in front of the makeup mirror, rolled up her sleeves, poured foundation onto her arm, blended it out, then used concealer to cover the remaining blemishes before grabbing her keys and heading out.
In the night, Jiang Wen sat on a bench. It was cold, and he wore a deep blue coat, his face flushed from the chill.
He seemed to have always favored that color.
Feng Ning slowed her steps as she approached him, handing him a hot water bottle. "Why didn't you tell me you were back?"
The temperature outside was very low. Feng Ning shivered slightly as she sat down beside him. "Are you here to play for a few days?"
"I'm leaving the day after tomorrow."
She raised an eyebrow with a smile. "When did you arrive?"
"Just got off the plane."
After a moment of silence, Feng Ning finally noticed, "You didn't bring any luggage back?"
"I left it at the hotel."
"Did you not tell your family?"
Jiang Wen shook his head.
The two fell into silence. Feng Ning took his hand, feeling its temperature. "Are you cold?"
"No, I'm not."
"Have you eaten?"
"I had something at the airport." Jiang Wen glanced at her under the dim light. "What about you? How's school been lately?"
Feng Ning shrugged her shoulders, wrapping her scarf around herself again to fend off the cold wind. "It's okay. The new homeroom teacher is nice and seems to like me."
It had only been a few months, yet their conversations felt increasingly sparse. Everything seemed different from before. Feng Ning lowered her head, staring blankly at her toes.
Her attention was easily distracted now. After hearing a couple of sounds, she realized Jiang Wen was speaking. She quickly adjusted her expression and turned to him. "Hmm?"
Suddenly, Jiang Wen fell silent, stopping mid-sentence.
A moment of quiet ensued. After a while, Jiang Wen said softly, "It's getting late; you should head home. Want to hang out tomorrow afternoon?"
"Sure! Just send me a message when you get back to the hotel."
Feng Ning stood up, took a couple of steps, then turned back. Jiang Wen remained seated, watching her without moving.
She turned away and waved at him with a smile. "See you tomorrow afternoon!"
Jiang Wen nodded. "See you tomorrow."
*
The next day was New Year's Eve, and the streets were bustling with excitement. Feng Ning dressed in red to match the festive atmosphere and took Jiang Wen to their favorite ramen shop from before.
While waiting for the food to arrive, she used his phone to order two cups of milk tea.
Leslie Cheung smiled at the female lead on the television and said, "If you feel too tired, it's not wrong to say goodbye in time."
They chatted for a while about Jiang Wen's university major. Feng Ning didn’t quite understand, and once he finished, she asked the next question, "So, is university fun? How do you get along with your roommates? Is there a lot of pressure?"
"It's okay. There aren't many classes in the first year, so there's not much pressure."
Jiang Wen thought for a moment. "Two of my roommates are in the student council; they're busier than I am. The school..."
Feng Ning was lost in thought, staring at a chopstick.
Jiang Wen paused before continuing, "The school had a sports meet last month. I participated in the 1500 meters and even placed."
"Oh? Really?" Feng Ning straightened up, nodding absentmindedly. "That's great. I haven't had time to run lately."
She tried to muster some energy in front of him, but it was so obvious that she was gradually losing her vitality. It felt like she had completely changed, and Jiang Wen didn’t know what the problem was or how to help.
During their last argument, Feng Ning had told him, "Your concessions and efforts make me want to escape. I don’t know how to respond to you equally."
The atmosphere grew a bit heavy as she sat across from him eating, feeding herself bite by bite. They weren't eating quickly, but eventually, they would finish.
Walking past the overpass, Feng Ning stood at the bottom and looked up. Many memories flooded back as she glanced back at Jiang Wen. "What do you want to do later?"
Jiang Wen replied, "Take the bus?"
Feng Ning knew he meant Route 425. "How about we go watch a movie first?"
"Sure."
The movie ended at ten o'clock.
They moved in sync, slowly making their way through the crowd. They casually found a bus stop nearby and boarded the bus after dropping in some coins.
Sitting on the night bus, she looked out the window at the bustling streets. Feng Ning's smile faded as she felt a sudden disconnect from her emotions.
She didn’t want to talk.
Resting her head against the window, exhaustion washed over her.
Jiang Wen turned to look at her.
Feng Ning showed no signs of emotion, enveloped in an impenetrable silence. He said, "Are you unhappy being with me?"
"Ah?" Feng Ning was puzzled, unsure of what had gone wrong. Reflecting on what had just happened, she looked at him with slight confusion and a hint of guilt in her tone. "I'm not unhappy; I've just been under a lot of pressure from my studies lately, so I haven't felt like talking much."
Jiang Wen stated flatly, "The happiest moments for me are when I'm with you."
Feng Ning's mind finally cleared a bit; she sensed what he was about to say next.
After a few seconds of silence, he continued, "I don’t know how to win you back."
Jiang Wen's expression suddenly dulled. "Feng Ning, let's break up."
For a long time, Feng Ning didn’t respond, seemingly focused on the scenery outside. She turned to him and said softly, "Happy New Year."
It turned out it was already past midnight.
Jiang Wen replied with a quiet "Mm."
She tucked her hands into her pockets and stood up. "The last stop has arrived; let’s get off."
This is where their story begins.
On the way back, Feng Ning asked, "Do you want to listen to another song?"
Jiang Wen shook his head. Then they both fell silent. When they reached downtown, they got out of the car together. The air was filled with voices, and brilliant fireworks burst overhead one after another.
Feng Ning calmly asked, "Have you made up your mind?"
Jiang Wen remained still, exhaustion and pain evident in his eyes.
She nodded thoughtfully, "It's my fault."
"Then I'm leaving," Feng Ning pointed out to Jiang Wen, "Once I cross this road, I won't look back. You should go too."
Feng Ning looked at him seriously, then smiled and said, "I was also very happy when I was with you."
And she walked away.
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