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墨書 Inktalez
Hogga's bandage was removed, but his hair still did not turn black. With silver hair and a face that lacked much expression due to the skin grafting, he immediately seemed unapproachable. The relationship between us had undergone some subtle changes. If it was only a subtle change at this point, then soon after, I found myself being led by this guy. By the time I realized it, there was no turning back.
"Pretty handsome," I said.
Hogga stood up. "Take me to Germany's biggest Underground Bar."
"What for?"
"Because I need people, I need money."
I smiled lightly. "Underground Bar? What do you think that place is? You think you can just get what you want there?"
"Let's give it a try."
So, I reapplied heavy makeup that didn't quite match my age and switched to a male companion who was unfamiliar to everyone around us. Late at night, we headed to Germany's biggest Underground Bar.
"There are small Underground Fighting Tournaments here every day; maybe you can give it a shot."
"How do I try?"
"In the ring, if there's a gun incident, any weapon can be used until one side is dead. If you win and win often enough, someone will come looking for you, and you'll get what you want."
"Alright, then let's go to the ring."
"What if you die?"
"When did you learn to be soft-hearted?"
I scoffed, "That's not it. It's just that you're dead, and it's a pity for the money spent on you."
"Don't worry, I won't die."
After seven years of fighting in the Underground Bar, he truly hadn't died. I didn't know how he managed to survive against those taller than him, whether European or African. When he returned home to tend to his wounds, he never cried out in pain. Old scars were reopened and oozed pus, while fresh wounds bled and washed away the infection. He gritted his teeth in silence, his lips pale.
"Better off dead," I said as I applied Iodine Tincture to his wounds. He didn't complain, but I felt uneasy; what was happening?
"I can't die yet. No matter what, I have to keep living," he replied.
"Who exactly are you hating?"
He smiled faintly and fell silent for a long time. He stared blankly at the ceiling and said, "Soon, soon..."
It was only later that I understood what he meant by 'soon.' Over the years in the Underground Bar, he had gathered a group of professional 'shadows.' These 'shadows' were mercenaries who had survived on the chaotic borders. They had no identity or could have various identities. Wherever they went, they could complete various missions without anyone noticing.
Hogga was using his life as a price to build an army of his own.
He occasionally showed a smile, "Soon..." he said.
However, fate has never been kind to the unfortunate. A small dark spot appeared on Hogga's elbow. After seeing a doctor and coming out of the examination room, Hogga touched my face.
"Cat, I'm going back to Korea. What about you?"
I smiled slightly, "You're mine, so of course I'll accompany you back."
The plane roared as I returned to Korea, a place my memories of had grown hazy. I opened a bar and enforced my own rules, which, while not as harsh, still needed to be followed.
"We rarely meet. This is better. If there's something, I'll find you," Hogga said.
"Okay," I replied.
During the time Hogga was gone, I managed my business successfully, but I often thought of him and missed him deeply. After all, habits are not easy to break. Sometimes I asked myself what Hogga meant to me. Was he my possession? My companion? Or had I fallen in love with him? I didn't know; I, Cat, didn't want to be tied down by such feelings, yet this time I found myself unexpectedly ensnared. Back then, when we first met, he was not human-like at all, filthy and curled up in a corner, ready to be slaughtered at any moment. Of course, I wasn't so kind-hearted as to save him out of goodwill; perhaps I just wanted that German man to spend some money. Maybe... I could always understand a bit of the look in his eyes.
Hogga had been gone for nearly a year. When he reappeared, he had already purchased property in Korea and established a superficial career. In fact, the accidents involving those politicians, businessmen, and celebrities were more or less related to him.
He finally shared his story with me and his plans for returning here.
I surprisingly felt a pang of sympathy.
"I found someone," he said. "An interesting person."
"Who?"
"Anna Zheng," he replied.
I was taken aback because when he mentioned this name, there was a distinct spark in his eyes. It was the first time I'd seen that in ten years.
Later, at the bar, I met the 'Anna Zheng' he spoke of.
I laughed, not for any particular reason but because I wondered if Hogga would have noticed this pretty yet unremarkable girl if Anna Zheng weren't standing next to Park Chan-yeol.
"Your little friend seems a bit awkward," I said with a smile.
"You come out and help her; it's not time yet. She still has her uses," Hogga said.
I looked at Hogga and asked, "Do you love her?" It was the first time I had asked him.
Hogga smirked and replied, "Just a tool."
"Is that so..." I lowered my head and fell silent.
As for Yoo Jae-suk, she indeed came to ask for my help. She had her stubbornness and her thoughts; being inexperienced, she didn't know what to fear. However, to say she was just a tool was something I couldn't reconcile. Could Hogga really connect them together?
Everything was under Hogga's control. Over time, I began to believe what he said—that Miss Anna Zheng was merely a tool for his revenge. But that night, when I stayed over at his place, after taking a shower and coming out, we embraced, and then the phone rang. The screen displayed Anna Zheng's name. He answered the call without a moment's thought and walked away from me.
I stood there in a daze, feeling no humiliation, no anger or jealousy. All that remained was an endless void.
Time turned back, reality and dreams intertwined.
Before me lay Hogga's cold corpse.
Cat crouched down and wiped the blood off Hogga's face.
"You ultimately lost, Hogga. The moment you saw Anna Zheng, you were wrong. She is not a tool for your revenge; she is a stumbling block on your path. You can deceive others, but you cannot deceive me." Cat took a puff of smoke and exhaled it; her eyes seemed slightly red, but no tears fell. "Let's go; I'll take you away."
From the moment you were reborn, I chose you. I gave you a name. Now, I still won't give up on you.
On Christmas Day, God was busy celebrating with His people, forgetting that there were still some sorrows that needed healing.
The Almighty did not change fate. The merciful God did not bestow His kindness either.
Everything continued along the original path, with no room for turning back.
After so much had happened, Anna looked at Park Chan-yeol beside her as the car drove down a quiet road toward a bustling place. She stared at him, but suddenly felt a bit unrecognizable. Who was he?
Was he the radiant Park Chan-yeol on stage?
Was he the indifferent and resolute Park Chan-yeol?
Was he the Park Chan-yeol she once admired?
It seemed none of those were true...
"Chan-yeol..." Anna murmured.
"What?"
"What are your plans for the future?"
"The mistakes my father made have already sacrificed too many lives. Since my brother... also... I plan to sell my shares and donate the proceeds to charity. It's a way to atone for some of the sins. As for myself, I'll see if I can return to the stage I love; after all, that's where I truly want to be."
Anna looked out the window as it began to snow again. The snowflakes on this Christmas day always brought excitement and joy to everyone.
'It's snowing; I want to see you.'
Anna remembered that night of the first snowfall in Seoul, stepping out of the subway station onto the tranquil streets where only the soft sound of falling snow could be heard. Hogga stood there in the snow, softly saying something that felt like an unreasonable reason.
Everything was going according to plan, but with that one sentence, Anna felt it was something beyond his intentions.
Now, she had no strength left to think about the future, and even if she wanted to cry, there were no tears. For Hogga, Anna had always felt a complex mix of emotions: defensiveness, fear, trust, dependence, confusion, nostalgia, gratitude, guilt...
These complicated feelings were too much for Anna to sort out before Hogga hurriedly left, and there would never be a chance to clarify them. If he were still alive, perhaps Anna could have found a reason to keep her distance from him. However, his departure became an indelible memory that would accompany Anna for the rest of her life, like a shadow.
"Take me home," Anna said.
"Once you sort some things out, I will come find you," Park Chan-yeol replied.
Anna smiled helplessly. "You don’t need to come find me anymore, Chan-yeol."
"Anna..."
"I can't go back; everything is irretrievable. Chan-yeol, do you know? Han Yoon-soo is my biological mother. I don’t know when or if I can untangle this knot that has bound me for over twenty years. How can I face her every day while being with you? And Hogga... although he is gone, he will forever exist between us. Whether you see me or I see you, he is a shared scar we both carry. Just thinking about it brings excruciating pain."
Park Chan-yeol fell silent for a moment, deep in thought. He smiled and said, "Yeah..."
"Your father once told me that the reason we wanted to be together so desperately was because so many strange things happened between us. Thus, out of stubbornness and human nature, we wanted to hold onto each other tightly. I used to struggle to find a reason to refute those words, but now our separation is precisely because so many bizarre things have occurred between us. If it weren't for these events, perhaps we would have had a mundane relationship but never one as helpless as this."
"Too many helpless things have happened; maybe we really rushed into this without thinking it through. I think I do need some time."
"Chan-yeol..." Anna secretly made a resolution in her heart. "There are some things you need to know."
"What is it?"
"Jiang Yan, Jiang Zhenyuan, and that actress Miss Choi—Hogga killed them because of me. It was for me; it’s no different from if I had killed them myself. My hands are already stained with blood; they are no longer clean like before."
Park Chan-yeol did not respond.
Anna then said, "There is no need to hide anything. Let's think carefully about whether we can face each other like this."
"As for the future, let's leave that for another time. When we are truly able to let go of these things, perhaps that will be the right moment."
Anna remained silent. Time can heal many things, but can it really mend what has happened now? As time passes and the world changes, Anna knows that her heart is slowly undergoing some transformation. Similarly, Park Chan-yeol is also changing.
If they both reach a point where they can face these changes openly and sincerely wish to be together, then perhaps that will be the time to consider being together. Until then, starting their own journeys of redemption is the best choice.
On a day when heavy snow fell, even on a holiday, the cold wind by the Han River deterred many people. The snowy scenery was beautiful, but it was too harsh to endure.
Cat's hair was not elegantly styled as it usually was at night; instead, it flowed freely in the wind like a black waterfall. Her face, devoid of any adornment, lost its allure but gained a sense of calm and slight weariness. Wrapped in a black coat, she stood quietly by the river in the cold wind, her gaze unfocused as she stared blankly at the water. The cigarette in her hand was nearly burnt out, and she hadn't taken a single puff; the ashes scattered onto the snow, losing their warmth during their descent and leaving behind black remnants that did not melt even a little bit of snow.
Walking on the crushed snow, two parallel footprints appeared slowly along a small path deep within the withered reeds.
Hearing a faint sound, Cat lowered her head and tossed the cigarette onto the snow.
Anna had never seen this side of Cat, nor had she ever witnessed her sadness.
"I will take him back to Germany today," Cat spoke.
Anna glanced at the black coat Cat was wearing; she knew it belonged to Hogga. Cat wore her longing for Hogga on her body.
"Cat, I'm sorry..." Anna began.
Cat raised an eyebrow slightly, "Sorry for what... No one owes anyone anything; it's just fate... Actually, that day, he must have already decided he wouldn't walk out of that room again..." Cat looked at Anna, seemingly sighing, "Do you hate him? He wanted to kill you."
Anna smiled helplessly, "I often feel scared, but I've never hated him."
Perhaps this answer surprised Cat. She remained silent for a long time, then put her hand into the pocket of her coat.
“Hogga, his time was already limited; death might be a kind of relief.”
“What?”
“This is a secret he kept from you, and he would take it to his grave. I think I am the same…” Cat did not answer the previous question and continued, “Park Yoon-chun died in Korea over a decade ago. And Hogga, he was reborn in Germany and will end there.”
“Cat, from the beginning, everything has been under your control, right?”
“Sort of, but Anna Zheng, you were an unexpected variable,” Cat said.
“I…?” Anna laughed self-deprecatingly.
“You were not part of the plan. Do you remember what he told me? Before he died, he wanted to hold you tightly. He said he didn’t know what your expression would be when he died, whether you would cry… or feel relieved that the demon was finally gone… I saw him close his eyes so peacefully; I knew he must have seen your tears before leaving with peace.”
Anna's heart ached.
“I… wasn’t I just a tool for him to take revenge on Park Chan-yeol? Didn’t he just want to see me gradually break apart from Park Chan-yeol? Am I merely a shadow of Yura, a memory for him to cherish in the real world?”
“Maybe… actually, I don’t know. I think you won’t find the answer either, but still, think about it carefully. After all, that guy never confessed anything, neither to others nor to himself,” Cat said.
“Cat, tell me that text message saying Han Yoon-soo is my biological mother was also arranged by you.”
“That was my doing.”
“You did that?”
"Hogga already knew about this matter. He didn't say anything because he understood that if it were exposed, the one who would suffer the most would be you, not Park Chan-yeol."
"Why did you do that?"
"Because I don't have to care about your pain. As long as Hogga achieves his goal, that's enough," Cat said.
"Do you love him?"
"He is mine; his name, his life, all belong to me."
"You love him very much."
"I suppose so."
"That's good... With you loving him like this, his soul won't get lost. If there really is a next life, may fate treat him gently."
"After committing so many sins, who can say for sure about the next life?" Cat smiled bitterly. "I've persisted for so long, looking smart and capable, yet in the end, I still died like a fool... It's really meaningless."
"I used to feel like I had walked into a huge web, unable to escape no matter how hard I struggled. Ever since I first met Hogga in Phuket, Thailand, everything seemed too coincidental. What kind of connection or cause and effect could allow two people who were complete strangers to always encounter each other? I couldn't understand. Gradually, from initially resisting the kindness he showed me, I became accustomed to it and even developed a certain trust. Even now that he is gone, I still haven't figured out what kind of presence he was in my life."
"Anna, I often envy you."
"Why?"
"Because I envy the way he looks at you from places you don't know about. I envy that he only lets you see his best side no matter what. I envy that when he sees you in trouble, he tells me to go help you..."
"In these past few days, I've thought a lot. I guess I've realized that the subtle help you've given before must have been Hogga's doing."
"Yes, after all, I don't really like your presence, Anna."
"Many times, I don't like my own existence either," Anna lowered her head.
Cat glanced at the time, took one last look at the calm Han River, and sighed, "I have to go now. Take care of yourself." Cat slowly turned around and lifted her foot to leave.
"Cat, will you come back?" Anna called out to her retreating figure.
Cat paused, thought for a moment, and said, "My name is Nanya. Whether it's Nanya or Cat, life has long been tied to Hogga. Wherever he is, that's where I will be."
Anna was somewhat taken aback; this passionate woman still had a decisive and resolute demeanor.
"I understand, Miss Nanya," Anna replied.
Her figure disappeared around the corner of the path. Cat shed all embellishments and became the truest version of Nanya—one that Anna had never seen before. As for Hogga's presence in Anna's life, it would take a long time to contemplate what form it had taken. All she knew was that regarding Hogga's death, Anna felt a profound sadness and emptiness. As she had said before, she had been afraid but had never hated.
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