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Some strange thoughts.
墨書 Inktalez
One
Animals
Often you can see people feeding the fish in the scenic area with fish food bought for five yuan, and the fish swarm up.
You can often see a group of free pigeons in the square, also for food, coming and going. The feeders laugh heartily, squandering their compassion. People, too, in a world without emotions, go with the flow, contented.
Yes, we cannot cross the great river, nor can we overlook the earth from the sky, because we are neither whales nor eagles.
Two
Angry Horse
I have never had the chance to ride a horse, and the carefree days of galloping are only seen in my dreams at night. The more discontent in my heart, the more I long to see an angry horse.
I read a book that talked about horses. After being bought and sold, they enter a long process of being trained. It can be short, lasting only a few weeks, or long, lasting many years. At first, they are always unwilling to be ridden, but soon they become willing. Some older horses always understand their owner's movements and commands, and they are willing to obey. People are happy to call them good horses.
As the book says, they accept their fate of being ridden and accept the true nature of the world. In it, they belong to others and have never had their own wildness, so they do not feel the call of another world's wildness. There, they belong to themselves and will not be ridden by anyone.
I also dreamt of a group of good horses, orderly traveling with their owner. Behind them, there was a wild horse running towards the setting sun, without a saddle, and without a waving whip.
It turns out to be an angry horse.
Three
Passionate
I once thought about the definition of loneliness. For me, I walk on many familiar paths, imagining meeting some interesting people, or encountering interesting things that really happen. After the thoughts in my mind flash by, I am still alone.
I met her at the end of 2022. Unlike my usual fantasies, she added my contact through a group chat. I found it strange because I didn't think I had any attractive qualities, at least not in the past five years. Before her, I had only been in one relationship, back in my student days.
It was a very unforgettable experience. Unfortunately, I still can't figure out whether I miss the person or the memories with that person. I can't remember her appearance or voice, but I still miss her.
When my phone rang, I thought it was the usual daily WeChat step count message. But the timing seemed off, and I felt a bit awkward facing the chat box. I knew this time would be different from before.
I always try to be clever, feeling happy when my little tricks work, and even showing off. But I know clearly that I shouldn't deceive her. When I say I love her, there will be a day like this. Yes, we should all pay the price for what we have said and done. It serves us right if we can't afford it.
She always asks me if it's because of love or the absence of love for a long time. I have thought about answering honestly, but only in passing. I love her, just because she appeared.
Perhaps I will meet her again, seeing her walking on the path with her future love.
I started fantasizing again, this passion should belong to me.
Four
State
I don't know when this state began. Escaping, confusion, pretending to be passionate. I can't even tell if I'm standing still or moving backwards.
I have some insights when I see these words, but in the end, what is implemented is something irrelevant. I piece together my life with fragmented things, and it seems to be on the verge of collapse without the need for external forces. I always fantasize about saving a collapsing building, and my imagination runs wild, as if I am satisfied all day long, even when I go to sleep.
Until my attention can no longer focus, it feels like I have to force myself to hold my breath just to stop the urge to pick up my phone, as if I have truly realized my failure. Ironically, I am really watching short videos here.
It's been two hours since I wrote this, and I don't feel like writing anymore.
Five
stupid asshole
My favorite thing is to answer in a nonchalant manner in response to a normal question, taking pleasure in catching the questioner off guard. This happens often in my life. For example, when someone says I am a stupid asshole, I reply, "I am just a stupid asshole." The other person is always left speechless, and I always feel that they are the real stupid asshole. Looking back, it turns out we are both stupid assholes.
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