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Lost in Misguided Love
墨書 Inktalez
A girl on WeChat messaged me, saying not to be the third party in her relationship with her husband. I replied, "Sure, let's set a time to meet." Before we met, I had no intention of getting a divorce. But I needed to figure out how Mengxi managed to cheat on me without my knowledge.
I told my mom that Mengxi was cheating. She didn't believe me: " Xiao Xi seems quite honest; don't make a fuss." I smiled at her and said, "I was just kidding; why did you believe me?" I stared at her graying hair, feeling numb inside.
When I was a child, my dad would hit my mom when he got drunk. My mom often cried and begged him, "Please stop; think about our daughter." Dad would turn around and yell at me, "What are you looking at? Go away!" I was too scared to go far, fearing that my dad might really hurt my mom to death. I could only hide by the cupboard, watching as he beat her.
After he was done, I would see my mom lying on the ground, bruised and battered. I cried and asked her, "Mom, why don’t you run away?" She touched my face and sighed, " Meimei, if I ran away, what would happen to you?"
As time passed, I grew up while my mom aged. She became quiet and developed diabetes. The doctor said she couldn't handle any more stress. Looking at the age spots on her face, I smiled and said, "Mom, I'm heading back now; I'll come see you next time."
After leaving my parents' house, I stood by the roadside, unsure of where to go. I had been married to Mengxi for four years but still hadn't saved enough for a down payment on a house. Every time I got paid, I had to send half of it back home because my younger brother needed money to buy a house and get married.
Mengxi and I rented an apartment and moved several times. Each time, we hoped to find a place closer to work that was also cheaper. But reality always defeated us. It was either inconvenient transportation or high rent. In the end, we had no choice but to compromise. Four years had passed without finding a satisfactory place to live.
But it doesn't matter, Mengxi and I both have stable jobs. In a few years, I will definitely be able to save enough for a down payment. By then, I will have a home of my own in this city. But now, Mengxi has cheated on me. There are no children between us. There are no entangled interests. And there is no emotional foundation. Getting a divorce would be easy. But I want to know why he cheated.
I bought groceries and wine, waiting for Mengxi to come home from work. During dinner, I poured him a glass and asked, "Mengxi, do you remember what you liked about me back then?" He looked up, his face full of impatience: "Why are you asking this?" I smiled, "It's nothing, just suddenly remembered." He huffed, "I think you're too idle at work."
I ignored him and just stared at him, waiting for his answer. He put down his chopsticks and said expressionlessly, "Xia Ran, I liked that you were hardworking and diligent." I nodded and looked down at my reflection in the mirror.
Due to long hours of focusing on work, my back was slightly hunched, and I wore thick glasses. Because of staying up late working overtime, my eyes were a bit puffy, my skin was dull, and my hair looked like dry grass. Due to a lack of exercise and healthy eating habits, my stomach was filled with fat, and my legs had become thick.
I had long ignored my own needs just to earn a little more money and make myself look decent. I smiled at the person in the mirror; she smiled back at me, looking tired and disheveled. It was then that I realized I hadn't really looked at myself in a long time.
Since graduating from university, I entered my current company. Without any background, I could only work hard. To gain clients' trust, I often stayed up late writing proposals. Not wanting to be surpassed by colleagues, I self-studied many professional skills. Wanting to establish myself in this city as soon as possible, I also taught myself programming and foreign languages.
Unknowingly, it had been a long time since I had a good night's sleep or enjoyed a meal properly.
Due to long-term mental stress and physical fatigue, my temper has become increasingly worse. I often get angry over trivial matters. Because I've been facing the computer and phone for so long, my eyesight has deteriorated, and my hair is thinning. Due to a lack of exercise and a healthy diet, my body has become fatter, and my mental state has worsened. It was then that I realized I hadn't noticed my husband's changes for a long time.
When did he start becoming less talkative? When did he start disliking coming home? When did he begin to prefer wearing casual clothes? When did he start liking to grow a beard? When did he start smoking and drinking? I couldn't answer any of these questions because I had never paid attention to his changes. All I knew was that he had cheated on me.
I looked up at Mengxi and asked, "Mengxi, have you ever heard this saying?"
"What saying?"
"Hunger doesn't choose food, panic doesn't choose a path, cold doesn't choose clothes, and poverty doesn't choose a wife."
He frowned slightly and asked, "What do you mean?"
I smiled lightly and said, "It means nothing much; I just want to ask you, if you had to choose now, who would you pick?"
He put down his chopsticks and stared at me, "Xia Ran, are you looking down on me for being poor?"
I looked at him and sighed.
The girl next door shouted again, "Mengxi, come help me fix the light!"
Mengxi stood up impatiently and said, "Xia Ran, stop messing around; I still need to go help."
I watched him walk out the door, feeling a wave of exhaustion wash over me.
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