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墨書 Inktalez
Memory pulled us back to before the surgery.
In August, we contacted our new mentor and toured the research school I was about to attend. The school was beautiful, but neither of us felt like celebrating. This was because Xu Zhiyuan's chemotherapy treatment was nearing its end, and his health was deteriorating; he began coughing up blood. Coughing up blood is usually a precursor to needing surgery.
I was under a lot of pressure. But I knew that Xu Zhiyuan was under even more pressure. So, I acted confident in front of him. I knew the success rate of the surgery was extremely low. I knew it was very likely he wouldn't come off the operating table. I knew we were facing a life-and-death decision. However, I had no choice. I had to make a decision.
I remembered the days when Xu Zhiyuan and I were preparing for our graduate entrance exams. Back then, we were full of hope. We had high expectations for the future. We made promises to each other. Yet now, we found ourselves in a desperate situation. I felt despair, but I still had to make a choice.
When my parents learned that Xu Zhiyuan might need surgery, they stopped urging me to break up with him. My mom said, "The success rate of this surgery is very high; if it needs to be done, it's better to do it sooner rather than later; delaying it could make things worse." Although my mom didn't say it outright, her meaning was clear—if Xu Zhiyuan could successfully undergo surgery, that would be the best outcome; if it failed, then I should let go.
I understood my mom's intentions, and I also knew that Xu Zhiyuan understood as well. Yet he remained calm, working from home to improve the program for the Catnip game.
"Zhiyuan, I love you," I said.
"Why are you suddenly saying this?" Xu Zhiyuan asked with a smile.
"I've always wanted to tell you; I just felt embarrassed before," I replied. "Did you know? I've liked you since high school."
"Really?" Xu Zhiyuan said in surprise, "How did I not know that?"
"Back then, I admired you so much. You were both the class monitor and the math representative, you had good grades, and you were handsome," I said. "I had a crush on you for a long time, but I didn't dare to tell you."
"Why not?"
"Because I was afraid of being rejected," I replied. "You know how much I care about my pride."
"Hehe," Xu Zhiyuan laughed.
"Later, when we got to university and met again, I was so happy to find out you were also in Beijing," I said. "I was really thrilled at that time."
"I was happy too."
"Zhiyuan, do you know? Throughout these three years in college, I've relied on you a lot," I said. "Even though you don't talk much, you always help me silently and protect me."
"That's because you're a girl."
"No, it's not just because of that," I said. "Zhiyuan, I know you're very rational; you wouldn't act impulsively because of emotions."
"Mm."
"So I've always envied those who can make you act impulsively," I said. "I hope that one day, I can become that kind of person."
"Silly." Xu Zhiyuan patted my head. "You don't need to change; you are who you are."
"But I want to be someone who makes you proud," I said. "I want to be someone who can help you."
"You already help me now," Xu Zhiyuan said softly. "Baby, you've helped me a lot."
"But..."
"Baby, listen to me." Xu Zhiyuan held my shoulders and looked into my eyes. "You have no obligation to stay with me, and you have no responsibility to take care of me. All your choices are your own; I don't deserve as much credit as you think."
"Zhiyuan..."
"Baby, do you understand?"
"I understand." I nodded vigorously.
"So don't force yourself," Xu Zhiyuan said. "Don't let yourself regret it."
"I won't regret it," I said. "Zhiyuan, I will never regret it."
...
We cautiously scheduled the hospital appointment and planned the surgery.
My mood remained low.
I knew that rationally, only surgery offered a chance for benefit.
But emotionally, I couldn't accept it.
I was scared.
I was afraid of losing Xu Zhiyuan.
I was afraid of losing him.
In the past few days, Xu Zhiyuan's parents came to see him and gave him over a hundred thousand. They said this money would be enough for his treatment. They mentioned that if there were any other needs, he should contact them again. They seemed very guilty. But I could also see that their guilt was merely superficial; they did not truly care about Xu Zhiyuan. Or rather, they did not genuinely care about him.
That night, after Xu Zhiyuan finished his shower, he lay in bed. I lay in his arms. We were silent.
"Zhiyuan," I said softly, "do you remember what you told me after you finished your college entrance examination?"
"I remember," Xu Zhiyuan replied. "I told you to study hard and not to make me wait too long."
"Yes." I nodded. "You were very proud back then, very confident. You believed I would definitely get into Tsinghua."
"Yes."
"I thought so too at that time," I said. "I believed I would definitely get into Tsinghua, and that we would attend classes together, have meals together, go shopping together..."
"Baby..."
"But now, it seems that might not be possible," I said.
"Baby..."
"However, it’s okay," I whispered. "No matter whether it can be done or not, I will try."
"Baby..."
"I will strive to live on," I said. "I will work hard to live on with you."
"Baby..."
"I will do my best to walk with you until the end of life."
The surgery was scheduled for the end of September. For this month, we lived very peacefully. We spent our days like an ordinary couple—waking up together, having breakfast together, shopping together, playing games together... Sometimes, we would reminisce about the past. We recalled every little moment from high school together. We remembered the joys and sorrows of our university days together.
We recall the torment and struggle of this time together.
...
On the night before the surgery, I lay in bed, tossing and turning unable to sleep.
Xu Zhiyuan was also awake.
He was reading a book.
"A Brief History of Time."
"Zhiyuan," I said.
"Yes?" Xu Zhiyuan put down the book.
"Are you scared?" I asked.
"No," Xu Zhiyuan replied, "I am mentally prepared."
"Me too," I said.
"Baby, if I can't get off the operating table..."
"I don't want to hear it." I covered my ears.
"Baby..."
"I don't want to hear it!" I screamed, "I don't want to hear it!"
"Baby..."
"Don't say it!" I cried out, "I don't want to hear it!"
"Baby..."
"I don't want to hear it!" I shook my head desperately, "I don't want to hear it!"
"Baby..."
"I don't want to hear it!" I shouted, "I don't want to hear it!"
"Baby..."
"I don't want to hear it!" I yelled, "I don't want to hear it!"
...
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