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墨書 Inktalez
I am a despicable person. Every time I look at Cui Lidong, I am not really seeing him; instead, I see the light in his eyes that is similar to Chen Shan's.
When Chen Shan confessed his feelings to me, I was troubled. He is the younger brother of a distant relative, and although we are close, we are also separated by distance. On the day of the college entrance examination, Chen Shan told me, "Chen Qian, I like you." I shook my head and rejected him.
It wasn't because I didn't like him; it was because I felt a sense of betrayal and didn't dare to take the risk. I was afraid that neither of us had a future together, and I feared that I would hinder his prospects. Most of all, I was afraid he would regret it later and hate me for it. So, I could only refuse him and let him hate me.
Later, Chen Shan went abroad and never contacted me again. I regretted it. I regretted rejecting him back then and not accepting his confession. If only I had been a little braver at that time. At least then, I wouldn't be in this situation now, filled with regret.
Chen Shan has always treated me well throughout my life. He would bring me snacks, help me with my homework, and stand up for me when I felt wronged. He was like an older brother to me, shielding me from the storms of life and providing me with support.
But I rejected him. Regret washed over me like a tide, drowning me in emotions that I couldn't escape from until I met Cui Lidong.
Cui Lidong's eyes are very similar to Chen Shan's; looking into his eyes feels like seeing Chen Shan again. I know this is wrong, but I can't control myself. I accepted Cui Lidong as my boyfriend.
I know this is wrong, and I know it can be dangerous.
But I just want to see eyes like Chen Shan’s every day; it makes me feel a little better inside.
That night, Cui Lidong confessed to me, and in a daze, I nodded.
By the time I realized what had happened, I had already agreed to him.
I suddenly realized that I had taken Cui Lidong as a substitute for Chen Shan.
I don’t know who I am; I have become an unknown substitute for someone else.
This is not right.
I wandered around campus in a daze, the streetlights above me lit up, as if illuminating my path ahead.
But I didn’t know where my home was.
I became Chen Shan’s substitute, while Cui Lidong became an unknown substitute for someone else.
We deceived each other like this, hiding things from one another.
When I returned to the dormitory, Yuanyuan called out to me, but I didn’t respond.
She scolded me and then got busy with something else.
I looked up at myself in the mirror, my eyes filled with complexity.
Cui Lidong must also be looking through me at someone else.
On the surface, my relationship with Cui Lidong seemed fine, but I knew something was different.
When Cui Lidong held my hand, I would grip it tightly, as if afraid of losing something.
And when Cui Lidong talked to me, I would focus intently on his eyes, wanting to imprint the light in them into my mind.
I even learned to take the initiative; when he was happy, I would tiptoe and kiss his cheek.
I don’t know if I was kissing him or that pair of eyes.
Cui Lidong always smiled and accepted it, pulling me closer.
I knew he was also seeing me as someone else.
We are all despicable people, deceiving each other in this way.
I thought we could continue like this forever; even if we are despicable, at least we have each other.
Until that day, when someone inadvertently mentioned Liu Fengyi.
"Have you heard? Liu Fengyi is coming back to the country."
"Is she the one who grew up with Senior Cui?"
"Yes, yes, that's her. I heard she had a great relationship with Senior Cui, but then she went abroad to study. I wonder what will happen now that she's back..."
Before the person could finish speaking, someone next to him tugged at his sleeve, signaling him to be quiet.
The atmosphere had already become quite awkward.
I noticed that when Cui Lidong heard Liu Fengyi's name, the way he was twisting my hair tightened for a second.
He pretended not to care, but I could sense his emotional shift.
It turned out that the person he liked was Liu Fengyi.
It turned out that I was Liu Fengyi's substitute.
Cui Lidong and Liu Fengyi were childhood friends, and their relationship had always been complicated.
They started as rivals, then developed mutual feelings, only to break up later due to studying abroad.
Even someone as affectionate as Cui Lidong couldn't keep Liu Fengyi from leaving.
I suddenly recalled that night when Cui Lidong got drunk and called me, insisting on seeing me.
I went downstairs in my nightgown and saw him standing under the dormitory building, his eyes red and reeking of alcohol.
He hugged me tightly and choked out, "I miss you."
At that moment, I finally understood; he looked at me with the same gaze and expression he used to look at her.
He was just using me to see another person.
I felt a sudden sense of relief; at least I wasn't despicable; I wasn't Chen Shan's substitute.
I was just seen as someone else by Cui Lidong.
That was enough; as long as I wasn't despicable, that was all that mattered.
But why does it feel so difficult in my heart?
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