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墨書 Inktalez
When I saw those photos, a clear memory surged in my mind.
I remembered the haunted house my sister took me to, and the 15 yuan star popsicle.
A very nice notebook, all kinds of hearts, and some inexplicable little decorations.
A person made of cardboard boxes, a never-ending rainy day in the scorching summer. Back then, the sky was low and misty, and water flowed from the alleys into the model houses. Because I watched too many horror movies, I was always afraid of taking the elevator, looking under the bed, and staying in various hotels. It's just that those really bad movies are nowhere to be found anymore.
I only remember that she used to open the 360 website every time.
Yeah, that was back in the millennium.
Now she's already married.
And I'm languishing on the sofa, having slept for who knows how many days.
I can't see the future,
and I don't know what to do.
We long for a non-existent past and worry about an unseen future. These seemingly intangible things all disturb the present. At night, when lying in bed.
When I close my eyes, they make me ache.
The flickering bonfire in front of me, the shattered firelight always comes towards people.
Some things I want to forget, just like you said
"If you can't catch the dream, just change to another dream."
Unfortunately, that is a fantasy that can never be realized.
But that kind of fantasy can never come true.
Transformation, or a way to change.
No, it doesn't exist, there's no way.
Close your eyes and listen to the long "buzz" inside your skull.
I can forget them all.
I can worry while not thinking about anything.
I can forget them all.
Oh, don't be like this, the face that comes to mind. Feels like a sweaty afternoon nap, drenched in sweat.
The reflection in the mirror doesn't seem to get any thinner or fatter, as if there will be no more changes. Still cooking noodles, because I can't afford to eat rice anymore. Drinking a bottle of extra-sweet cola, feeling a little better. The words "no signal" on the TV screen emit a warning-like fierce blue.
Lo mein The taste of the sauce fills the mouth and penetrates the bone marrow. Many years later, I will definitely remember. This is the taste of hardship.
When I was young, I used to joke that I would eat instant noodles every day in the future, but now I only buy them in loose packs. Perhaps it's because I've had too much to drink, I always dream of telling her "I miss you" while holding a crumpled soda can with tiny words all over it. Thinking back to the eaves on that rainy day many years ago, I asked Ye, "With these cans being so easy to crumple, how many of them get damaged just in transit?"
"This thing is not worth much, so I don't care about the cost."
"But there are words on it, isn't it also money to print these words?"
"It's just a few cents or a few dimes, those literary masterpieces are so thick, can they be sold for five dollars. They don't care about this loss."
I don't understand why he suddenly used a book as an example.
I still don't understand.
They have all left, those people who disappeared without a trace.
They all left.
War came,
But many people had already left before the war.
The child is interested in plucking the strings of the piano, and the root notes linger in the emptiness. The distant riverbank shows no changes, still shrouded in mist.
I plan to leave, but the original contract is signed for another three months. If I can't reach the landlord, I'll move out in three days.
I must move in order to have a chance at life.
The clothes that have been hanging on the balcony for a few weeks look like meat or corpses, hanging there. The plastic railing is so brittle that it can be broken by hand.
Oh dear, thinking that today will just pass by perfunctorily. I'm too lazy.
I have nothing to say, and nothing to do.
I'm not idle, just always procrastinating.
What should I do?
Clearly, I dislike humans so much and don't like dealing with people.
What's the matter with this little girl?
She has eaten a lot, but still feels
Even though there is only a glass of water in the fridge, I need it.
I can't unplug the power yet.
Too boring, too boring, too boring.
Let's send this kid back tomorrow, there's nothing better for me to do with him.
Why, why, why?
In the beginning...
This child followed me and ate pancakes for a few days, but didn't complain.
Yes, what complaints could there be, what complaints could there be.
The winter when the blizzard struck, I stayed with a relative.
Three months, I remember.
Magic and love are the only differences between Harry Potter and me. That night, I was so hungry that I went to the kitchen In the midst of fate to find something to eat. A bowl of fried chili peppers was just perfect.
I gulp down the cold rice, choking and gasping for breath. It's so delicious. I've never had anything better than this.
The coldness of the leftover rice and the spiciness of the chili are just right, who would be willing to leave.
Opportunities for such a satisfying meal are rare, and in the end, I even stole a large bottle of synthetic orange juice and took it upstairs, hoping to fill my stomach when there's no food to eat.
Although the incident was later discovered, my relatives didn't say much. Even in the utility room, there was really nowhere to hide the empty bottle of the drink.
Perhaps out of love or some other reason, after the snow on the sealed mountain gradually melted, my mother took me to another mountain below.
"Yes, yes, it's all his doing."
One day, my mother answered a call with me on her back, responding to the other end. That voice belonged to a relative.
I don't feel that I owe their family anything. Clearly, Grandpa has come several times with food on his back, afraid that I would upset their family by eating and staying. Meat, rice, nothing was lacking.
Ah, suddenly I feel very distant, like something that would only happen in the last century. But when he shakes off the snow on his body, the cold touch.
All of this is indeed right in front of me.
Mother hung up the phone without saying anything. She didn't know what to say. At that time, I was almost grown up, in days when no one was around. There was no point in saying anything. Occasionally, she wanted to make up for lost time, but it only led to intense arguments. I couldn't believe we were actually arguing. I felt that there was nothing in the world worth arguing about, especially just changing my underwear.
I really don't understand why we have to change clothes every day, when we don't need to wear clothes when we're alone. I don't understand. During my childhood summer and winter vacations, I always filled the loneliness in my heart by going to my parents by myself. I thought it was longing, but later I realized it was just loneliness. Even though we were under the same roof, there was still nothing to do or say. We were still the same as usual, and even felt a little uncomfortable because of each other's presence.
So it turns out, it's just loneliness.
When my little brother was born, I understood that my mother was making another bet. I can't understand the matter of giving birth to a child even more. Of course, they got divorced. My remarried mother naturally had to have another child. And my father was entangled with a woman named Yungu, and I gained a sister.
She is very beautiful. Half of my taste and aesthetics are influenced by her unconsciously.
There are also times when my mom is especially nice to me. Sometimes when I'm playing games on her TV, she would occasionally stop and try to join in.
"The scar under the monster's belly is so scary."
"That's the enhanced Gomora."
"Monster Fight" is something from many years ago.
Every time we meet, there is always a period of time between us. I think that's when the unseen changes happen. When we meet again, we are both the result, and it's inevitable that we become unfamiliar.
It's just blood relatives, nothing strange about it. But because of the title "family," I fell in love with someone I didn't care about or like at all. Occasionally, I get annoyed and comfort myself with the words "after all, they are family." People, they are the best at finding excuses.
After all, "like family" sounds more touching than "we are a family," doesn't it? Oh, thoughts always seem to drift far away.
"You should light a cigarette."
"What?"
"Your lips look like a gambler's, and your nose looks like a drunkard's. But when put together..."
"I don't like smoking."
"You have that smell as soon as you smoke."
"I don't like it, I don't care."
Myself, why do I always remember these things?
Who said this again?
Some people, their faces have become blurry. Only some vague and obscure memories remain.
In the middle of it all.
That summer when she was still there, by the window of the long-distance bus, the fiery clouds in the sky were like a ferry docking, too far away.
"Wake up."
This kind of handwriting has appeared on the screen.
I decided to go see my dad, because the last time was already five years ago, and because I don't know when the next time will be.
Even though I don't like him that much, even though I
"You can't drink poison just because you're thirsty."
If there's no water, you'll still die.
I feel dizzy, I'm not going to read this book anymore.
"Do you smoke?"
My father hesitantly asked me as he handed me a cigarette.
"I don't smoke."
"Then eat, have something to eat."
Hastily sat down in a tavern, only a Sweet and Sour Pork Ribs cost 68.
In the remote center, bustling and desolate, the prices are damn outrageous.
On the construction site, it's still the impression of white board houses. The awkwardness of just meeting has dissipated after a few steps. He's still so charming.
My dad's downfall lies in choosing to work in civil engineering. I don't know why he always manages to get along so well with the few women on the construction site, especially the chefs in the cafeteria. It was like this when I was a child, and it's still the same now. "He's just so carefree."
I remember my mom saying this, and that sister's mom said the same thing.
"All men in the world are the same, as soon as they have money, they turn bad."
Once on the subway, that sister's mom, the fat woman, said this to me.
She looks angry.
Mom...
But,
Mom,
Hahahaha...
But I'm still so bad even without money.
Yesterday, that delivery person, I asked him to bring a bottle of water up, and he actually said no. My friend Y did this for a while, and I know that one bad review can make them work for nothing for two days. So I ordered it. Because he actually asked me how much tip, I've already spent money, and you actually ask me how much tip.
Hahaha...
But mom,
I'm still so bad even without money.
I always feel hungry, and I don't understand why. It's like I've never been full.
I only feel stuffed after eating, but I've never felt satisfied. Even when my stomach feels like it's about to burst, even during the evenings in middle school when Xian would talk to me at the desk in front of me and I would feel like regurgitating my drink, I still never knew what it felt like to be full. Never.
I vividly remember every time I vomited, because my vision was equally blurry. I, I remembered that Grilled fish and eggplant restaurant again. It came at the right time. The last restaurant's shredded pork with fish flavor was terrible, why was it so sweet. Sugar and rice mixed together, people with this kind of mushy brain are just as damn as the news media.
It's just yesterday's matter, kept ordering and eating until they sold out. This morning, the weight on the scale still falls within the range of 3 and 7, no different from a few months ago. "Oh, who are you?"
Hahaha,
I remember last winter when I saw my mother, she said this to me.
"Are you a foreigner?"
To update the photo on my identification, I shaved off my beard as the hairdresser auntie at the salon said, even though she quickly did it in no time.
I remembered a book by a China writer, his surname is Cao.
I often recall the scenes from his book, a dense bamboo forest with a little girl wearing two braids, carrying a bag, walking in a certain direction, with a river below the bamboo forest. Behind her is their village, and ahead is another village.
In front of my mother's house, there is also a river that leads directly to a valley in the mountain stream, where a half-rotted waterwheel lies. My stepfather often grazes sheep there, while my younger brother and I play nearby. Countless vivid red summer days of my childhood all end like this. I often wonder, why did my mother come to this place? The world is so big, with so many people in the world. Why did my mother happen to be in this place?
Because later I found out she also lived in this place, I couldn't help but think about it.
In the midst of fate?
But I can't get closer to you.
I can't.
Even the theories of the flat-earthers, Magellan returned to the starting point.
The world is round like this, go around in circles in that kind of loop. The people distributed on the x-axis are parallel on the y-axis. If I could take one more distant look at you, your mind is made up.
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