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墨書 Inktalez
I wonder why the cool and chilly night feels so hot, playing with a strange razor, expecting what surprise it might bring.
I am dreaming, just as worthless as I am.
It's hard for me not to think badly of people, because I am so bad myself. Friend Y's alarm clock rings on time, from seven to ten. I turned off his alarm clock, almost every hour. It seems like a curse, the person who sets the alarm will never wake up. I have talked to him about this, but it's still no use. I am starting to suspect that he is deliberately disturbing my peaceful dreams, even though I am already hot and awake in the early morning.
I'm puzzled why the night, which is supposed to be cool and quiet, would be even hotter than a cheerful day because the night sky is dark. I'm fidgeting with an awkward razor, hoping it will bring some excitement.
In the mirror, I still look like myself, and compared to the past, nothing has changed. My mind is perpetually filled with a sense of dullness, not just for the weather, but also for myself.
Yesterday, I went on a trip with some old friends in my hometown, accidentally meeting up in a car. We temporarily invited each other to go down to the water to beat the heat. After waiting for our friend at a certain bar for a long time, we finally boarded the boat. The scenery across the river is familiar yet unfamiliar - it's the first time I've seen it. As I stepped into the shade, the air grew less stale, and the vines curled up, like the gates of summer. The lush green forest fell silent again, my heart still racing with anxiety.
I shed my clothes by the riverbank, where the water was, and also on tree branches, hanging someone else's clothes. I let out a sigh, grasped a signpost as a handrail, and saw what it said above.
Describing the stylish boys in front of me as lotuses seems to be out of place, but my limited vocabulary is hard to find suitable words at this moment. The robust legs with sparse hair looked like brushstrokes from a painter's pen. The abdominal muscles or triceps didn't need special attention - I jumped into the water with a plop and rose again. Laughter echoed loudly.
The tips of my toes gradually entered the water, feeling refreshingly cool, but as I went further down, it became difficult to breathe. The water gradually enveloped my whole body, bringing with it a captivating mix of suffocation and comfort, it's hard to say which was more prevalent. I think I'll just sit by the shore, leaving my legs lightly in the water. Listening to the playful antics of a few good swimmers in the deep water area, catching a glimpse of my silent reflection, my tangled hair resembling a sea urchin.
Looking from the edge of the cliff, the evening shadows fall on the rustling treetops. It always feels like there will be monkeys clinging to the branches, howling. I imagine that when the flood comes, there will be a waterfall. In the distance, there is a pool under the rocks, with cold and beautiful ripples.
But I can't go.
In the end, on the way back, I suddenly caught the shadow on the river bank. The river breeze is refreshing, and it feels like the energy of the water is being drawn into my lungs. The ship captain's game is down to the last round, and he waved from afar, waiting for me to join. On the cement pillar nearby, the words "easily angered" are painted, but I remembered the unknown graffiti I saw under the bridge further ahead. Before my thoughts could drift further, the ship captain came, and he was very happy, perhaps because of the many guests, or perhaps because of the game.
Perhaps it won't work without someone else.
The engine revs up, chasing after the river wind once again. I remember the stifling heat of the previous night, and the hazy light seen from the balcony. The heavy rain at night caused the daytime heat to rise. The headlights of cars driving on the distant mountain road illuminate half the sky. It's clearly dark, but everything can be seen very clearly.
I never noticed how clear and bright the night sky is. I wanted to capture it, but the photo turned out completely dark.
Anyway, the camera of the human eye is engraved on the film of memory. During the carousel, I can see another page. The wind makes people extremely attached. When it's time to part, everyone goes back to their own busy lives. After changing trains a few times, I arrive at the station, buy a ticket, and wait idly.
Feeling as heavy as swallowing a stone.
Another person looks so familiar, like an old friend. I feel like I recognize them, but also like I don't, and in the end, we don't acknowledge each other. Many people we saw for the last time a long time ago, only remembering the moment of saying goodbye when we didn't actually say goodbye.
For those who say goodbye, what do they hope for in their hearts?
At the parting, there's no need to say goodbye, just be careful on the road.
Take care, be careful on the road.
After a few hours' drive, I returned to the rented small house. I couldn't help but feel tired. Opening the door, my friend Y's things came into view, making me angry once again. Can socks be left on the coffee table? And the snack wrappers, the helmet that was clearly placed nicely in the box was taken out and thrown on the table. The balcony was filled with mineral water bottles, supposedly for sale, but I don't think he would actually sell them or contact anyone for recycling.
Just an excuse.
The trash can is piled with takeout garbage of unknown age, and work never goes smoothly. I am very angry every time.
After tidying up, I decided to deal with it another day. After taking a shower and stacking pillows against my back, I still feel anxious about the depleted work. I don't know how to start the next step, it's all illogical. If I can't write today, I'll let it go. Tomorrow, again and again, I'm afraid I will give up on this matter.
Always giving up halfway, achieving nothing. Always finding excuses to cover up oneself, saying "I'll die after finishing this book" to avoid future matters. People are sad and sorrowful because they think about the future, and they won't be sad if there is no future. I think everyone will be happy on doomsday because there is no future for anyone.
At least I am not sad.
The more tangled my thoughts are, the more tired I feel, and I keep wanting to close my eyes. I was awakened by several phone calls and realized that I had been asleep for a while. My friend Y was impatiently calling me to open the door because they always feel unsafe outside and are used to locking everything.
As soon as I walked in, I heard him complaining non-stop for a few sentences, and I deeply felt that he was not easy. The remaining bit of resentment also dissipated into thin air.
Forget it.
"Maybe your appearance is very attractive to girls, but living with you is really a disaster."
Anyway, I've said this to him before.
Forget it...
Forget it.
To be loved is to feel safe and secure.
Glancing at the time, 21:30,
I drift into a troubled dream...
I am amazed at why the silent night is so sultry. The air conditioner has been turned on three times in 15 minutes, and I feel sorry for the electricity bill. Wandering until morning, as the sky begins to brighten, my heart is still lost. I didn't write anything yesterday, and I feel a bit panicked but can't explain why.
I washed my face in front of the mirror and fiddled with a bad razor. I really don't understand, so I finally asked customer service, but they weren't working. I thought about various problems and planned to use spare replacement parts, but I found the instruction manual in the process.
Is it a surprise, a little bit of joy.
Standing in front of the mirror, listening to the sizzling sound it makes, the voices of children downstairs come through the window.
"Wake up, the sun is shining on your butt!"
The sky is just beginning to brighten with a faint blue. Thinking of yesterday, immersed in the water, everything feels hazy. Clearly it was just yesterday, yet it feels so distant.
A lump swelled up on my foot, hard like a bone. Standing up, the old TV shows static. Y's alarm clock rings again, he will get up in a few hours. Outside the window, it's the time that can be described as "daytime."
It's another day,
It's another day
about to come.
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